Summer Cinema: ‘Eight-legged Freaks’
When I first saw previews for “Eight Legged Freaks” I had a few questions go through my mind. First I wondered if this was supposed to be comedy or an actual scary movie (you don’t cast David Arquette unless it is supposed to funny)? Then I wondered if it was supposed to be a scarefest if it would end up being a stupid B-rate movie? Lastly I asked myself if it could possibly be worse then “Men in Black II?”
After viewing the film I got my answers. First, this was supposed to be a comedy. Second, it was a funny flick, but it was pretty stupid. And lastly, it was better than that lame scum of the universe sequel, but most of the movies this summer have been.
The movie is about freaks, the main ones being of the eight-legged variety. However, the majority of the players in the film are freaks in their own way.
The story takes place in Paradise Valley, Ariz., where the only source of income for the town is a gold mine that no longer produces gold. The mayor, always out to make a bucks, has been secretly allowing the storage of nuclear waste in the mines below the town, and a truck delivering it loses a barrel into the local water. An exotic spider farmer (the first of many freaks in the film) catches crickets out of the water and feeds them to his spiders who start to grow to amazing sizes and eventually escape into the mines where they start devouring pets and people alike.
Enter Chris (David Arquette) who returns to town just in time to get mixed up in trying to save it with Sheriff Sam Parker (Kari Wuhrer) along with her two kids and Harlan Griffith (Doug E. Doug), a paranoid, conspiracy theorist from the giant killing machines.
This movie is meant to be comedy, and a lot of it is funny. The most entertaining part is the obviously fake “spider noises” the monsters make as they jump, attack and get killed off. The jokes at best are lame, and Arquette gives the usual annoying, whiney performance that he tends to give in any film he stars in
All of the characters are shallow and laughable at best. Every stereotype is there from the sex-starved jock to the brainiac kid to the gross, old, chain-smoking woman to the greedy and greasy money grubber. There aren’t many stereotypes left out. I had a hard time deciding if this film was serious about being a comedic horror or if it was trying to be to monster movies what “Scream” was to slasher flicks. If was an attempt to cash in on Wes Craven’s success, “Freaks” lacked the sophisticated humor and pure terror of “Scream.” The only similarity is Arquette’s equally bad performance.
All in all “Freaks” is worth a video rental, but not the price of a movie ticket. If you really what a thrilling, stimulating film, go see “Minority Report,” and if must, go see “Goldmember,” but please let “Freaks” die a quick painless death.
Grade: C+