Summer movies forecast: varied reviews
Ah summer. That most sublime of seasons when students can pause from their mental labors, leave the classroom and rediscover the real world. It’s a season of financial reprieve from the almost unbearable burden of tuition and bookstore price gouging. Instead of wasting time memorizing who fought who in the first Punic War, students can spend time engaged in weightier investigations, like finding out what that girl in your history class looks like in a bikini.
Being students, however, we must keep exercising our minds – continually stretching their storage capacity for the coming fall. Where should we turn to fill them? To the theaters, of course, for the latest offerings in blockbuster entertainment. This summer has it all from shallow, frenetic thrill flicks to patriotic formula films fine-tuned to stimulate the emaciated nerve of American patriotism. Here are a few of this summer’s offerings:
“Driven” (Tomorrow)
This film was written by and stars that master of the spoken word, Silvester Stallone. How in the hell did he write an entire movie? I’d have given anything to be a fly on the wall in that room. “Yo Adrienne, what’s a synonym for crappy?” I’ll eat my shirt if this movie gets good reviews from the viewing public.
“The Mummy Returns” (May 4th)
The Mummy rises again when his sarcophagus is brought to London as part of an exhibit – only this time the threat isn’t just from him, but his resurrected bride and something even more dangerous.
I’m not sure what could be more dangerous than an angry wife who’s been kept in a box for a thousand years, but I’ll give this one a chance and find out.
“Shrek” (May 18th)
This is the one I keep seeing previews for. It has Eddie Murphy doing the voice of a donkey. They’ve finally found the perfect role for him. “Shrek” is a green monster who must thwart an evil prince, slay a dragon and save a princess. Other voice talent includes Mike Meyers and Cameron Diaz.
“Pearl Harbor” (May 25th)
This movie could set the diversity craze on this campus back a few years, as it is partly a recreation of the bombing of Pearl Harbor by the Japanese Empire. It’s also a love story about a woman whose man goes off to war and is killed. She, of course, runs straight into the comforting arms of his brother only to discover that brother number one is still alive.
“Tomb Raider” (June 15th)
Straight from your PC onto the big screen comes a much higher resolution version of the computer fantasy girl, Lara Croft. She will be played by Angelina Jolie – yummy.
“A.I.” (June 29th)
This offering from the ubiquitous Steven Spielberg is about a futuristic robot boy who learns he has feelings. This has been done in “Star Trek” so many times that only a robot could count them. Even so, with the Spielberg name on it, it promises to be excellent.
“Jurassic Park III” (July 20th)
A rich playboy paraglider goes off course and crash-lands on Isla Sorna. Dr. Grant is asked to lead a rescue mission to retrieve him, but when the plane carrying the rescue team crashes, it will be him who’ll need rescuing. I hope this one turns out better than the second, which was about as interesting as, say, sifting through the dirt in my yard looking for fossilized dinosaur poop.
“Planet of the Apes” (July 27th)
Tim Burton directs this remake of the classic ’60s sci-fi film. In the future, an astronaut goes on an expedition to find a missing starship and crashes on a planet where sentient Apes rule the planet and humans are mute slaves. I thought the first one was creepy and I’m pretty sure I’ll feel the same way about this one – especially coming from a director like Tim Burton.
“American Pie 2” (August 10th)
The gang is back from College and getting together for a summer reunion at a lakeshore house in Michigan. In addition to the usual tomfoolery, Jim must prepare for the arrival of a special guest – French foreign exchange student Nadia. “American Pie 2” stars pretty much the same cast as the first.
Critics are saying it will be hard-pressed to be as fresh as the first one. The film’s creators are promising there will be no romantic encounters with baked goods this time around.
“Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” (August 10th)
When the real Jay & Silent Bob catch wind of the film, they head to New Jersey to sabotage the film’s world premiere. This movie will be a lot funnier and make a lot more sense if you go out and rent “Mallrats” or “Chasing Amy” first. Both movies are fresh and funny. This promises to be more of the same. It stars Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes and Ben Affleck.
Well, there they are – a few of this summer’s cinematic offerings. It’s been a pleasure writing reviews for the dozen or so of you who actually read them. Still, I can’t complain. This has to be the easiest job at Utah State University. And that’s saying a lot – I’m not even tenured.