Take a class in the Fundamentals of Schwartzman
Hi there, Aggie fans. As I’m sure you’ve already guessed by the heavy backpacks, hoards of people and lack of anyone within a 98-mile vicinity watching “Recess: School’s Out,” classes are back in session. We’ve all had roaring vacations of barely skimming along in our summer jobs, and judging our futures solely upon what we’ve read on ratemyprofessors.com and now the day has finally come.
It always bewilders me how the first day of class tends to take on the same theme every year:
Professor introduces self – hands out syllabus.
Professor describes class procedure intermixed with terrible jokes inspired by the first season of “Welcome Back Kotter.”
Students nod along in a massive state of chagrin.
Classroom empties just before professor realizes he’s in the wrong classroom.
That’s the basic set up. Over time it has made itself into quite the necessary evil. I figure, what the heck? It’s a new school year, we’ve got a copious amount of newbies around campus, and I’m sure you’d all be more than pleased to learn more about me or at least where to find me to check out my newest addition – sideburns. It came standard with the beer-gut extension. Why not take a moment to introduce myself?
So here you have it, my syllabus for the 2011-12 school year.
Syllabus
SHMN 1500: Fundamentals of Schwartzman
Professor:
Steve Schwartzman; and sometimes Bobcat Williams
Office and Availability Hours: Office is located inside the New York City sewer. I’m available generally after pizza time (4 to 7 p.m.) or by appointment. Please schedule all appointments with Splinter, our daytime receptionist.
Course Objectives:
Welcome to fundamentals of Schwartzman. This is a research class for Schwartzman majors, otherwise approved students and descendants of Jimmy Stewart. The purpose of this course is to lay a foundation for future researchers in their understanding of Steve Schwartzman and all affiliating subjects in conjunction with such.
Throughout the semester we will study the early and contemporary history of Steve as well as his psychoanalytical theories – or Schwartzumptions – including but not limited to: “Philosophy and society, Things that get my goat, ‘90s pop-culture and you,” and the ever famous “What will happen if you throw an egg at it”.
All students will be expected to study, master and apply these theories in order to receive an effective grade. In this study, we will engage mastery and application through a variety of learning methods including lecture, discussion, selected texts, verbal projects and throwing eggs at things.
Required Readings:
Various copies of The Utah Statesman, selected scholarly journals, “Wealth of Nations” by Adam Smith and “Stellaluna.”
Grading: Course grades will be structured in four parts: daily quizzes, current events, a two-part take-home final and challenging me to a thumb wrestle. All sections will be weighted evenly with the grade scale as follows:
F: 0-400 points
D: 410-520 points
C: 530-650 points
B: 650-750 points
A: Not Possible (trust me, those thumb-wrestling matches are brutal)
All exams will be comprehensive and multiple choice and will require a Scantron, no. 2 pencil, headshot of Piper Perabo, and a complimentary Kit Kat bar for the professor.
Extra Credit: Believe it or not, the entire class is extra credit. It’s finding out the required stuff that will bend you backwards. I will also accept supplementary scholarly papers and 12-ounce cans of Pepsi Blue.
Other Thoughts: Your success in this course derives from your understanding of why I am your teacher. Just like Whitney Houston said, “I believe children are the future.”
My objective is to teach you well, let you lead the way and show you the beauty you possess inside. To quote the late, great Ed Rooney, “I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.”
In conclusion, paraphrasing the great body of wisdom that is “The Breakfast Club,” please note that I see you as I want to see you – in the simplest terms, and in the most convenient definitions. What you may find out is that each one of you is a brain, an athlete a basket case, a princess and a criminal.
Plagiarism: Won’t stand for it. Not even a little bit.
So, there you have it. Here’s to hoping we all gain some merit from this year’s columns. Now, get studying.
– Steve Schwartzman is a junior majoring in marketing and minoring in speech communication. His column runs every Wednesday. He loves sports, comedy and creative writing. He encourages any comments at his email steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu, or find him on Facebook.