The caffeinated cookie from the Campus Store is gross.

I frequent the USU Campus Store about once a week. Usually I’m looking for a ballpoint pen, scantron or Hallmark card — but today my errand was more peculiar.

I’m fairly familiar with the campus store staff. Usually at the checkout we’ll chat or share polite conversation. But for the past few months, I have — almost without exception — brought up the caffeinated chocolate chip cookies.

Like True Aggie Chapstick or candy you don’t need, the cookies rest (seemingly innocent) on the counter, tempting you as you make your final purchase. Today, my curiosity got the best of me.

“You know what? I’ll try one of these,” I said decisively.

I hurried back to my desk in the Statesman office and eagerly tore off the wrappings.

I broke it in two. It was bendy — in a weird way. Texturally it was overwhelmingly disappointing. It was like eating a gross health bar, with no benefits. There are many good ways to make a chocolate chip cookie — sloppy and chocolate-y, right off the cookie sheet; chunky, with M&Ms; buttery and crisp — but everything about this cookie was wrong.

The flavor was intensely sugary, which is always a turn-off. It seems that’s what people do when a recipe goes wrong — the meatloaf didn’t turn out? Throw 10 cups of sugar in it and call it a chocolate cake. The spinach smoothie tastes too green? Dump a lump of sugar in, no one will care. So when a caffeinated cookie tastes funky and sugary, I’m like, “What are you hiding?”

While the label reads “chocolate chip cookie,” don’t be deceived. It only resembles a chocolate chip cookie in appearance. It was a disaster, a complete disappointment to eat… but I guess there’s more to it than that, since this cookie has as much caffeine as one cup of coffee.

Twenty minutes later, I felt a buzz. But it’s not the pleasant hum you feel after a cup of lightly caffeinated tea — no, sir. This was more like a loud neighbor keeping you up late when all you want to do is sleep. It’s distracting, and while it may keep me awake during a test, it would not keep me alert or focused.

The caffeinated chocolate chip cookie is the Warhead of baked goods — fun to try, but in the end it was still awful.