The good, the bad and the ugly of baseball
Now that the Florida Marlins ended the 2003 baseball season, we can take a look back at almost everything good and bad about this year.
From two 500 home run club inductees to the Detroit Tigers, I will cover a few of baseball’s headlining topics this year in a two-part column I’ve dubbed as the “Pseudo” Awards.
These awards are to those who have made the 2003 baseball season interesting and are totally fictional – hence, the name.
Best General Manager: Theo Epstein (Boston Red Sox).
The Red Sox owners made a bold decision last winter by hiring then 28-year old Epstein as their general manager. With the pressure on, the youngest GM in recent baseball history made some of the best deals, mainly with relief pitching, to improve his team and make the Bo Sox better equipped for postseason play. He also took part releasing Grady Little (which is questionable), partly for not using his relief pitching at pivotal times.
Best Name: Coco Crisp (Cleveland Indians).
How do you come close to topping a name like that?
Look no further than teammate Milton Bradley (I can’t make this stuff up).
Worst Name: Albert Pujols (St. Louis Cardinals).
Originally from the Dominican Republic, Albert’s last name takes on new meaning when crossing the language barrier.
If you’re new to baseball and are confused at how to pronounce his last name, here’s an excerpt from his player bio on the Cardinals’ Web site: ” … name is pronounced POO-holes.”
Nothing else will be said here.
Best Player to Whack a Running Sausage: Randall Simon (Chicago Cubs).
During the traditional “Sausage Race,” which takes place between innings at Milwaukee’s Miller Park, Simon (then with the Pittsburgh Pirates) was in the Pirates dugout when he took a check-swing at a 19-year old girl, wearing a polish sausage costume, and leveled her.
After both parties laughed it off and autographed baseball bats were given to the victim, Simon was later traded to the Cubs and became a star in the postseason.
Fallout Team of 2003: Seattle Mariners.
For the second consecutive season, the Mariners posted one of the best records in the majors at the All-star break.
For the second consecutive season, the Mariners turn cold in the clutch.
For the second consecutive season, the Mariners fail to make the playoffs.
End of story.
Best Player to Overcome a Corked-Bat Incident: Sammy Sosa (Chicago Cubs).
Although he was the only player in 2003 to be found using a corked bat, he’s done what the two previous corked bat players (namely, Chris Sabo and Albert Belle) didn’t: rebound.
Fact is, Sammy recovered from his injuries, used the right bats, broke out of his early slump and continued to win the fans over.
Sadly, the careers of Sabo and Belle were never the same.
Best Endorsement of a Slightly-Above-Mediocre Player: Viagra for Rafael Palmeiro (Texas Rangers).
Was it me, or did Viagra’s advertisements make you think Palmeiro was the biggest star in the Texas clubhouse? I mean, who’s this A-Rod guy, anyway?
I’m so confused at whose hype to follow.
Need help? Then, “ask your doctor if Viagra is right for you.”
Best Overweight Pitcher: Bartolo Colon (Chicago White Sox).
Entering the contest at 5-foot-11-inches and 240 lbs., Colon beats out his two counterparts David Wells (6-foot-4-inches, 230 lbs.) and C.C. Sabathia (6-foot-7-inches, 290 lbs.) as pitching’s heavyweight champion.
Even though he tied with Wells for wins (15), Colon pitched more innings and struck out more batters.
You go, Bartolo. You go.
Best Career Move: Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez (Florida Marlins).
After playing in the cellar for most of his career, Pudge became a free agent at the end of the 2002 season and signed a one-year deal with the mediocre Florida Marlins.
Enter manager Jack McKeon. Under McKeon’s tutelage, the Marlins catch fire and clinch the NL wild card. Meanwhile, Pudge explodes like a Ford Pinto in the playoffs, wins the NLCS MVP award and becomes a World Series champion.
Not even Miss Cleo could’ve predicted this one. Then again, she’s in jail for fraud (among other things).
Surprise Player of 2003: Roy Halladay (Toronto Blue Jays).
Given one last shot at a major league career, Halladay signs with the Blue Jays and gets help from pitching coach Gil Patterson about his delivery. Halladay, in turn, helps the Blue Jays have a winning season by giving them his best performance yet: 22 wins, 204 strikeouts and a WHIP of 1.07 in 266 innings pitched. Hopefully, he continues to rock the Skydome and continues to be a poster child of success.
Most Underrated Player: Richie Sexson (Milwaukee Brewers).
How does a player who hits 45 home runs and drive in 124 RBIs go unnoticed? By playing in Milwaukee, that’s how.
He puts up better numbers than Jason Giambi, but which player do you hear more about? If he plays in a bigger market, like Los Angeles, then he has more media attention. I can see it now: Sexson brings the hitting L.A. needs and leads them to the playoffs, possibly the World Series.
He becomes as big as Maximus and Dodger Stadium is his Coliseum. But for now, he’s staying put in that “suburb” north of Chicago, quietly putting up big stats at an affordable price ($8.4 million/year).
Best Rookie Sensation: Dontrelle Willis (Florida Marlins).
Also winning the unlisted pseudo awards for best wind-up and best hat style, Willis won over Florida fans and outsiders alike with his “award-winning” style. He came into the majors a little after the start of the season, so his stats may not look as complete as other starting pitchers. He posted 142 strikeouts (in 160.2 innings pitched) and an impressive record of 14-6.
Maybe he’s the next Doc Gooden (sans the drug abuse).
Best Player: Albert Pujols (St. Louis Cardinals).
This decision is debatable, for there are many outstanding players worthy of this honor: Barry, A-Rod, Giambi (not Jeremy), Pedro and Thome, to name a few. I’m going with Phat Albert on this one. Look at some of his stats: .359 BA, 124 RBI, 43 HR and 137 R, not to mention he led the NL with 51 doubles and 212 hits (with only 65 strikeouts). He doesn’t have the best defense, but he’s diverse enough defensively to fill in at any position Tony LaRussa sees fit. He does all this while making “only” $900,000 a year. That’s $21 million less than A-Rod and $14 million less than Barry.
He hasn’t even whined about revamping his contract.
The man loves baseball and loves playing it for St. Louis. He is the future of the game (if he was playing in New York or Boston, the mass media would tell you the future is now).
Dan Phelps is a senior majoring in public relations. Comments can be sent to djphelps@cc.usu.edu.