The Missing Preemptive Critics
The Grudge 2
This movie is what’s wrong with cinema today. It’s teaching kids the wrong message.
If you have a grudge with some one you pull down their pants at recess or make them eat dirt.
You do not; I repeat do not, come back from the dead and haunt them later, or anyone else for that matter.
Do you hear me? No haunting.
Haunting is just bad manners. It’s like burping at the table or wiping a booger on your roommate’s towel.
What we need is a movie that teaches kids more productive ways to deal with bitterness, like writing blues songs or beating up homeless people.
I preemptively hate this movie.
By Steve Shinney steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
Man of the year
It’s something that both the stagnated film industry and the dreary, post-9/11 political arena could use: reinvigoration courtesy one of the greatest screen presences in the history of film.
The only question that remains is: where was Robin Williams when we needed him…during the 2004 presidential race?
A stirring marriage of Williams’ far-reaching comedic chops and Lewis Black inspired political commentary, “Man of the Year” explores what would happen if Tom Dobbes, the fictional analog to parody news show anchors like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, ran for president of the United States and actually ended up winning.
Considering the country’s dissatisfaction with most presidential candidate choices in the last election, collective obsession with the entertainment industry, and mistrust in traditional politicians, the film’s premise is not that farfetched.
This idea was also explored in Al Franken’s satirical novel “Why Not Me?” The exploration of a charismatic comedian taking office, “Man of the Year” appears particularly relevant in an age where America seems to trust television shows that mock the sensationalistic journalism and intra-party bickering than either CNN or President Bush.
“Man of the Year” looks like an amusing “what if?” story and I, for one, am giving it my vote.
I preemptively love this movie.
By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu
The Marine
Don’t be fooled: “The Marine” has nothing to do with aquariums, dolphins, or whales. It’s not that kind of marine. Instead, this is about the kind of marine that goes crazy and kills people. Not entirely bad, just a different angle.
The combined effort of 20th Century Fox and WWE Films “The Marine” is a valuable cultural product because it made me aware of WWE Films-yes, they’re affiliated with the professional wrestling circuit-and has given me yet another reason to seriously doubt the judgment of this nation’s moviegoers.
I know this movie will be huge. It will be huge in spite of the fact that its star, professional wrestler and amateur rapper John Cena, reminds me of Jean Claude Van Damme and the occasional bed wettings I endure thanks to nightmares involving said action movie star.
I know I don’t have the biggest muscles or the largest flow of testosterone through my veins, but I feel like I can appreciate a good action movie as much as the next guy. “The Marine,” however, is anything but “good action.” And so, for its wrestling ties, severe lack of dolphins, and for the way it makes me long for “Finding Nemo,” I preemptively hate this movie.
By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu