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I just want to take a moment to defend myself.

I sure you’ve heard all sorts of things about me in the news lately and I just want to set the record straight.

My experiments on iguanas were fully covered under my evil scientist license and that crater was there when I got there. All I did was make it smolder.

But you know how “Current Affair” tends to blow things out of proportions. Now I’m stuck with a fine that I’ll be paying until I’m 50 and a restraining order preventing me from even entering a pet shop.

The worst part is I also have to perform 600 hours of community service. I hate the community. It’s a major reason that I spend so much time on the Internet.

So I was checking my e-mail and I had an epiphany. People are always asking me questions. Is there some way to just answer those and write it off as community service?

“You bet your last limited edition action figure there is,” the answer came ringing loudly. So yeah, thanks for e-mailing me and giving me something to do besides scraping some poor 7-year-old’s beloved kitty off the side of the road.

The following are all real questions, either garnered from e-mails people have sent me, conversations I’ve had with people or the words I hear when I hit my head after I slipped and fell in the shower.

The answers are given for novelty purposes. Please consult a physician before use. Don’t apply directly to your eye.

Q: I have fallen in love with and am engaged to the most beautiful woman I know and we are to marry in May. However … she has only seen episodes three and four [of “Star Wars”] and she watched them only to please me. She has no interest at all in seeing any more of them and I thought I would come to you for help. What do I do?

A: First, I would cry and/or swear – which ever you’re better at.

I would advise that you explain to your ladylove that understanding “Star Wars” is crucial to understanding our society. Whenever she asks you a question, respond with Star Wars trivia.

“Honey, do you want to have Rice-a-Roni for dinner?”

“Did the rebels win the battle of Endor?”

“Sweetheart, my parents are coming to town, do you want to have dinner with them?”

“Is traveling through hyperspace like dusting crops?”

She’ll either realize that “Star Wars” is more than just a bunch of movies to you. She’ll want to enjoy that part of your life with you. Either that or she’ll leave you. Either way, you can watch “Star Wars” in peace again.

Q: What’s the biggest change in your life since you got married?

A: I can’t fart in bed anymore.

Q: What’s your column about?

A: You know how they say there’s no such thing as a stupid question? Well, they’re wrong – that was a stupid question. No more out of you.

Q: If you had to use just one word to describe yourself, what would it be?

A: I thought I said no more stupid questions. This is the Geek Beat. I’m constantly talking about how big a geek I am. I end every column with the phrase “geek on.” If I had to use one word to describe myself, it would be “bootylicious.”

Q: [From a group of three female readers] If you know someone that is your equal, please send them our way. Preferably three someones.

A: That’s technically not a question but, given the circumstances, I’ll allow it. I actually know three people exactly like me. It turns out that I’m part of quadruplets. Send me your addresses and I’ll make sure that each of you get a visit from me – I mean one of us.

Well, that took up about 38 minutes. Only 35,962 left to go.

Guess I’m off to wash some old people or something.

Geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior is a computer science and is currently teaching a young hockey team how to believe in themselves. Comments can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.