The Pre-emptive Critic
‘Black Snake Moan’
Movies with strange, folkloric names like “Black Snake Moan” usually aren’t the kind of thing you make fun of.
But a movie where Samuel L. Jackson plays the responsible one? That’s hilarious.
Come to think of it, I can’t imagine a better way to celebrate the end of Black History Month than seeing a movie about a black man who chains up a half-naked Christina Ricci in hopes of helping her abandon her drug habit. Yep, I think there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t take this movie at face value.
The primal blues soundtrack, the tagline “Everything’s Hotter in the South,” and Justin Timberlake as a supporting character? If that’s not a metaphor, it must be “Black Snake Moan on a Plane.”
So for its weird fetishism, the “mainstream goes indie” vibe and for the image of Samuel L. Jackson in a wife beater being seared into my memory, I pre-emptively hate this movie. And while I’m at it, I also pre-emptively hate all of the jokes that are going to be made at Timberlake’s role.
-By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu
‘Zodiac’
Renowned music video and film director David Fincher must’ve felt right at home on the set of “Zodiac.” The 45-year-old visionary was also the man who brought Andrew Kevin Walker’s gritty and gruesome biblically-themed thriller “Se7en” to the silver screen.
And, consequently, the film’s fanatical serial killer John Doe, brought to life by Kevin Stacey’s eerily reticent portrayal, has much in common with the famous Zodiac Killer that terrorized Northern California during the late 1960s.
Both of the killers seemingly chose victims at random. Both of the killers also made use of a distinguished modus operandi, and the identity of both the John Doe and the Zodiac Killer were never revealed.
The most chilling aspect of this comparison is that the Zodiac Killer is not the product of a fictional thriller, and the fact that he actually existed should add an extra layer of terror to a film that will likely leave film-goers looking for a good scare chilled to the bone.
The presence of Jake Gyllenhaal and Robert Downey Jr. should also help boost the film’s pedigree. It’s also nice to see Mark Ruffalo in a challenging role along the lines of his work in “Collateral” as opposed to yet another star-driven chick flick.
I pre-emptively love this movie.
-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu
‘Wild Hogs’
The actual script to “Wild Hogs”:
Act 1: Four men, who have been friends for life, are sitting around together one night and decide all their lives are pretty much mundane. It’s time for an extreme life makeover. What better way to channel your inside man than buying a bunch of Harleys and going on a road trip? I mean, no one has ever thought of something like that before – I mean no one.
Four semi-popular actors will star. Putting them in the same movie can hopefully put butts in the seats.
Act 2: All of the guys go out, buy their hogs and get their road trip on. Along the way, they meet a slew of interesting characters, some good, some bad, and some hot girls that will most likely flash our characters. Nothing will be seen on screen because this is a PG-13 movie, although there will be plenty of sexual innuendo to attract teenageers.
Along the road trip route, our characters will love each other at first, fight with each other in the middle, then make up at the end. This movie has got to be funny, so we’ll use scenes involving animals, sex jokes and racial jabs.
Act 3: After the middle is over with, meaning all the funny has been squeezed out of our movie, we’ll now try and put a dramatic spin on the end. Everyone will learn something and gain a fonder understanding of life, love and friendship. Everyone can then get up, walk out of the movie theater and in five minutes forget about it, never realizing that we stole 98 minutes of their time and $7 from their wallets.
I pre-emptively hate this movie.
-Aaron Peck/aaronpeck@cc.usu.edu