The Preemptive Critics
“Stranger than Fiction”
I’m sure I’ll get flack for this, but I’m getting tired of Will Ferrell.
It’s not him personally; I think he’s hilarious. I just can’t keep pretending.
Every movie he’s in I have to pretend something new.
For “The Producers,” I had to pretend I was cultured enough to watch a musical.
For “Elf,” I had to pretend it was OK for a man of Ferrell’s girth to wear yellow tights.
For “Anchorman,” I had to pretend I was offended so that my mother wouldn’t wonder where she went wrong.
For “Night at the Roxbury,” I had to pretend I was brain dead.
Now, with “Stranger than Fiction,” I’m going to have to pretend that I read books.
I don’t read books anymore, that’s why we have movies in the first place.
I preemptively hate this movie.
By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
“Harsh Times”
No, this not a sequel to the teen romp classic about that whimsical prepubescent wonderland known as Ridgemont High. You know, the one that starred Sean Penn as the infamous perma-stoner Jeff Spicoli.
“Harsh Times,” however, will likely be the showcase of another brilliant actor: Christian Bale.
From a psychotic yuppie to the tortured man behind the modern Batman, Bale is often seen portraying individuals on the edge and near their breaking point and
“Harsh Times” will likely be no different.
As Army Ranger-turned L.A. police officer Jim Davis, Bale will have ample opportunity to put his tense acting chops to good use as a man haunted by his past and conflicted by a desire to return to a life of killing and crime with his best bud Mike Alonzo or return to the woman he joined the police department to marry.
After witnessing Bale’s compelling duality as the disturbingly committed magician Alfred Borden in Christopher Nolan’s “The Prestige” earlier this year and his mesmerizing turn as Bruce Wayne in one of the greatest comic book adaptations of all time, it’s become all too apparent that one can never really get enough of that sneering thespian in his melancholic environment.
I preemptively love this movie.
-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu
“The Return”
“The past never dies,” warns the tagline for “The Return”: It kills.
Of course, if you are “The Return’s” star Sarah Michelle Gellar, your past involves killing vampires and that sort of makes sense, then.
Despite this great premise for a movie, Rogue films has instead opted to go with some random story about a woman who is sucked into the disturbing plot of a 15-year-old Texas murder through visions, hallucinations and premonitions. Like that ever happens.
Everything may be bigger in Texas, but to think that a murderer could be so scary that Sarah Michelle Gellar wouldn’t think to drop a stake through his heart is ridiculous.
I watched the WB. I know how this works.
To her credit, Gellar dyed her hair black – the scariest color – for this movie, but it takes more than a root-free dye job to get me excited about screaming like a tween girl in the theater.
So if you’re a snobbish hairdresser who hates Texas, has never watched “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and likes being scared, “The Return” is for you. Unfortunately, I am none of these things.
Long live Buffy and the WB.
I preemptively hate this movie.
By Zach Pendleton/zpendlenton@cc.usu.edu