The Preemptive Critics
“Lets go to Prison”
Let’s go to prison.
No, really, I’m inviting you to go to the prison with me.
I think it would be fun. We could eat cafeteria food, play in the yard and make the guy in solitary confinement think he’s hearing things.
I mean seriously, what’s so bad about jail, besides the showering with other men and the constant risk of being shanked with a shiv?
Hmm … on second thought, let’s not go to prison. Let’s go for ice cream!
While we’re at it, we can check out this movie.
This way we can get all of the carefree fun of the penitentiary lifestyle without any of the soap-related health risks.
And we get ice cream.
I preemptively love this movie.
-By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
“Happy Feet”
‘Tis the season. The season to enjoy holiday-themed, computer animated family films featuring obligatory celebrity voice acting, that is.
This year, audiences will be treated to a star-studded entry seemingly inspired by the summer 2005 documentary “March of the Penguins.”
“Happy Feet” features the voice talents of Elijah Wood, Robin Williams, Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman, Brittany Murphy, Hugo Weaving and even the late Steve Irwin.
The film portrays the wide-eyed Elijah as another questing creature of small size, but this time, he’s after a soul mate that doesn’t happen to be a portly hobbit.
As the theme of the film involves talon-toed tap dancing and penguins that sing to find an appropriate mate, viewers should expect plenty of upbeat musical routines with an odd Rastafarian vibe.
And, in a questionable move that recalls the overload of voice performances that Tom Hanks provided in the film “The Polar Express,” Robin Williams will be voicing, not one, but three characters in addition to providing the film narration.
Luckily, and no offense meant toward Mr. Hanks, Williams has traditionally displayed much more comedic range when it comes to voice acting, so this shouldn’t be too much of a problem.
I preemptively love this movie.
-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu
“Casino Royale”
You had me at “hello,” Mr. Bond.
Actually you had me when you blew up the Russian dam. That was awesome.
And then there was the time you drove your car on the ice and blew up the evil Korean’s ice base. That was sweet.
Of the time you blew up Lincoln Memorial and then turned into Optimus Prime and we drove to Des Moines to fight zombies together.
Wait, sorry, that was a dream I had.
Yes, I dream about James Bond. I am not ashamed. You do it too.
And today is that happy day when the man with the golden gun comes back in explosive fashion to save me from the cruel torture that is plot exposition.
I apologize for the explosive pun in the last paragraph. I really didn’t have any choice.
But seriously, potential viewers should be advised that this film has been rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violent action, a scene of torture, sexual content and nudity.
These are a few of my favorite things.
I preemptively love this movie.
And if you don’t, I know some one with a license to kill you.
-By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu