The Preemptive Critics
Hey DiCaprio, you’re not an action star. You may have been able to pull it off in “The Departed,” but without Scorsese backing you up, I’m just not buying it.
To me, you’ll always that baby-faced boy who drew Kate Winslet’s left boob.
But you keep trying to reinvent yourself as an actor.
Trust me, it’s a waste of time.
Besides, this whole making a movie about diamonds in the jungles of Africa is hard enough as is. You’re following in the footsteps of one of the greatest classics of American cinema. I’m talking, of course, about “Congo.”
Killer gorillas? Yes, sir. Massive lasers? Fetch, yes. Tim Curry? That’s a big 10-four.
That’s a winning combination, Leo. You’ve got none of that. All you have is raising cultural awareness and, trust me, that’s the sucker’s route.
And that’s why I preemptively hate this movie.
By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
“The Holiday”
After craptastic Christmas movies like “The Santa Clause” 2 and 3 and “Jingle All Way,” “The Holiday” looks like the sort of relief you can only get by finally going to sleep for the first three days of Christmas break after a 21 credit semester.
“The Holiday” is a super predictable love story. Two women meet two men. They are all either hot or funny. It follows the formula.
But every preview I’ve seen looks like “The Holiday” might just be slightly more clever than the average movie.
Just like Jon Stewart is more clever than Bill O’Reilly.
I’m sure half of the men going to see this movie will be going in hopes of learning how Jack Black could get a girl like Kate Winslet and the other half have been dragged there after their girlfriends saw a preview and exclaimed, “Cute!”
Yes, it’s cute.
Yes, it’s predictable.
But at least it’s not Tim Allen in a fat suit or two horrible actors fighting over who can embarrass their kid the fastest.
I preemptively love this movie.
-By Di Lewis/dilewis@cc.usu.edu
“Apocalypto”
When I was in the fifth grade, a Mayan exhibit came to the BYU museum. We took buses to Provo, listened to some poor work-study student talk about the ancient civilization, and then when we got back to school we talked about spelling for half an hour and went home. It was nice.
Mel Gibson’s new “Apocalypto” is basically my field trip with a streak of body piercing, slavery and ultra-violence. There aren’t any buses in this movie, or for that matter work-study students, but I’m willing to forgive the man for his oversight. Planning a movie must be a big deal. It’s easy to forget stuff like that. Especially when you’ve got to plan bouts of heavy drinking, DUI charges and anti-Semitic rants into your schedule.
Some people will hate this movie because Mel Gibson made it. I hate these people.
Is Gibson crazy? Yes.
Are you probably crazy? Yes. But I still smile at you when we accidentally make eye contact in the TSC. You don’t even make movies.
So because it’s ultra-violent, because its trailer raised my heart rate and because its director provides a much-needed role model for every drunken anti-Semite in this country, I preemptively love this movie.
By Zach Pendleton/zpendlenton@cc.usu.edu