The Preemptive Critics
“Hannibal Rising”
Everyone thinks the life of a preemptive critic is glamorous and easy. Well, let me tell you that once in a while, it’s not. Sometimes we have to make cannibalism jokes.
And everyone’s already heard the one about the clown who tasted funny.
What’s a cannibal’s favorite soup? Stu.
The thing is, not matter how disgusted you are with me now, you should be more grossed out by this movie.
By its mere subject matter, this movie goes against everything the American movie experience should be.
I can’t eat over priced popcorn, stale red vines and marshmallows that I bought at Smiths and snuck in while cannibalism is going on.
When I see people eat something in a moive I want what they’re having.
Not only that, but this movie will explain the back-story of a beloved movie villain.
It didn’t work for Darth Vader. It won’t work for Hannibal Lecter.
I preemptively hate this movie.
-By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
“Norbit”
With certain exceptions, it’s absolutely tragic when Academy Award nominated actors are reduced to performing roles that wouldn’t even suit an extra from “General Hospital.”
You may think that I’m referring to Nicholas Cage’s upcoming turn as the Marvel anti-hero with a leather fetish, Ghost Rider.
Nope, I’m actually referring to one of the exceptions: Mr. Eddie Murphy. With a filmography that includes critical darlings like “Beverly Hills Cop,” “Shrek” and the more recent “Dreamgirls”and famously financial failures like “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” and “Showtime,” it would clearly be an understatement to label Murphy as the single most inconsistent entertainer in Hollywood.
With a track record like Murphy’s, how does one even begin to gauge the quality of his upcoming project? Like he has done before, Murphy tackles multiple roles in “Norbit,” including the film’s awkward lead, Norbit’s ridiculously overweight ball-and-chain Rasputia, and a racist stereotype in the same vein as Mickey Rooney’s performance in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”.
Racist portrayals certainly aren’t something to be happy about and Murphy’s numerous characterizations have gotten so sloppy over the years that I initially thought this was a spin-off of “The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps.” Sadly, it seems that “Norbit” will probably fit under the second aforementioned category.
I preemptively hate this movie.
-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu