The Pre-emptive Critics
’23’
I love numbers.
I love movies.
I’m not sure how I feel about movies about numbers.
There was “Pi” which was cool, but that’s a non-repeating decimal so that’s gotta be cool.
Then there was “101 Dalmatians” which was more like “101 Sucks.”
Still this movie features Jim Carrey who has been trying to reinvent himself as an actor ever since he pranced around in question mark-covered spandex in “The Batman that must not be named.”
Whenever I see Jim Carrey in a serious movie of any kind. I do accept him as a non-comedian right up until he makes the big emotional speech at the end. Then all I can picture is him bending over and giving the entire monologue through his butt.
It makes these movies so much better.
I pre-emptively love this movie.
By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
‘The Astronaut Farmer’
Do you remember when Lance Bass of *NSYNC made headlines because he wanted to join the Cosmonauts and fly into space?
Well, now it’s Billy Bob Thornton, and to make matters worse, they’re filming the whole thing and calling it “The Astronaut Farmer.”
This is unsettling to me. I don’t know if there are aliens or not, but I do know that I don’t want the first human they meet to be named Billy Bob.
If that’s all the interstellar ambassador we can muster up, no wonder they’re always trying to take us over in movies.
Other than that, this does look like the kind of inspirational movie I’m going to end up crying at. Thankfully it’s about a farmer shooting rockets into the sky, so I can blame the overactive tear ducts on the dust from the farm and on staring at the sun.
Any movie that can emasculate me and offer an excuse for it in the same 120 minutes has got a good thing going on.
So, despite my fears that Billy Bob will get into space only to relapse into his role as Bad Santa and send us “presents” from space, I pre-emptively love “The Astronaut Farmer.”
By Zach Pendleton/zpendlton@cc.usu.edu
‘Reno 911: Miami’
There are certain things that keep me up at night, questions that boggle the mind of this poor pre-emptive critic.
I wonder what the meaning of life is and why I’m not featured more prominently.
I wonder why the burger is usually round and yet the cheese is always square.
I wonder how many attacking ducks I could hold off if I had my nunchucks.
I wonder if Trinidad and Tobago are one country or two.
I wonder if any of my neighbors or classmates are actually a Muppet in disguise.
I wonder who would win in a fight: a duck-billed platypus or a house cat.
I even wonder if Mr. T would pity me.
Right now, I wonder how much paint you have to huff before a “Reno 911” movie sounds like a good idea.
That show can’t stay funny for 24 minutes. I’m not sitting through an hour and a half.
And from now on, I’m going to wonder why it isn’t called “Miami 911.”
Thanks for nothing.
I pre-emptively hate this movie.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu