The Pre-emptive Critics
‘300’
“300” is what other movies wish they could be. Last week I did a pre-emptive review of “Wild Hogs” which outlined every reason why “Wild Hogs” is everything that is wrong with the film industry. On the other end of the spectrum, “300” is everything that is right about the film industry.
After seeing “Sin City”, I thought nothing could top this movie in visuals, but boy was I wrong. “300” looks like a visual feast, taking everything that made “Sin City” look amazing, and adding vibrant colors. What else could you want?
The visuals aren’t the only thing that is breathtaking about this movie. Imagine 300 soldiers facing countless armies, essentially sacrificing themselves for the city they so dearly love. Now that’s an underdog story, and we all love those.
I am more excited to see this movie than I was for “Sin City,” and I was extremely excited for “Sin City.”
I pre-emptively love this movie.
By Aaron Peck/aaronpeck@cc.usu.edu
‘Dead Silence’
I like David Letterman. And there’s nothing I like more about David Letterman than Ventriloquist Week. It’s as simple as it sounds: David Letterman, a week of ventriloquists, and more fun than you can shake a stick at.
“Dead Silence” ruins that like halitosis ruins a first date. I can imagine a few people that I’d like better tongueless, but the dolls who are doing the de-tonguing in “Dead Silence” don’t seem to discriminate much. Of course, with wooden eyes, who can blame them?
The idea of a dead ventriloquist with a vendetta is pretty scary, but this movie has a serious issue at its root. Who came up with the idea of 100 dolls buried with their ventriloquist who “come back to life” to kill people? Things that were never living can’t come back to life.
The dolls don’t seem to appreciate that little bit of irony, however, because they still claw themselves out of their little doll coffins and start ripping tongues out. Of course, with wooden brains, maybe they just can’t figure it out?
I like a scary movie as much as the next guy, but for ruining Ventriloquist Week and for the forest that was undoubtedly cut down to make the wooden eyes, brains and horror, I pre-emptively hate “Dead Silence.”
By Zach Pendleton/zpendlton@cc.usu.edu
‘Premonition ‘
Monday: Sandra Bullock wakes up to a normal day of trying to restore her career.
She decides to make a deeply emotional movie full of dramatic acting, smart writing and award nominations.She will finally have the chance to truly show her acting talents. There will also be a scene at a beach.
Tuesday : The director comes to a hard realization that Bullock will never look as good in a bikini as she did in “The Net.”
Instead he makes a trite pseudo-thriller about how Sandra gets tossed through time trying to stop her husband from being killed.
Wednesday: A monkey will go to the dentist.
Nobody is really sure if it’s related to anything, but we have a feeling it might be.
Thursday: Sandra Bullock’s career officially dies.
Friday: The film opens. The average American who can’t follow the plot of a normal thriller will have no chance to understand one that messes with time.
On the way out of the theater they will all claim the ending was obvious.
Saturday: No one will every speak of this movie or a fully clothed Sandra Bullock ever again.
Sunday: The monkey gets the bill.
Today: I preemptively hate this movie.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu