The Pre-emptive Critics
‘The Last Mimzy’
When I see a movie like “The Last Mimzy,” I see all of the shortcomings in my own upbringing. Eating paste and taking naps were and are my favorite hobbies, and as character-building as they are, they won’t ever save the future.
Learning the secrets of physics from an alien space box containing a stuffed rabbit just might save the future. And that makes for a great movie. It doesn’t hurt that Dwight from “The Office” is the kids’ teacher. Turns out that Schrute discipline is good for something.
In the 1980s, ET came to remind us all that even a 3-foot-tall, hairless alien had feelings. I don’t know what the Mimzy rabbit is coming to tell us, but I imagine it isn’t about the benefits of paste eating. From what I can tell, the Mimzy has come from the future to teach us to watch more of “The Office.” I knew that Dwight had a plan. You’ve got to love those Schrutes. And you’ve got to love that, whatever a Mimzy is, it loves them too.
For that, I pre-emptively love “The Last Mimzy.”
By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu
‘The Hills Have Eyes 2’
So, it seems that the point of the movie is that nuclear weapons used to be tested in whatever place these people are at. The radiation mutated a bunch of people, which in turn have become hideous creatures who have a taste for human blood, flesh and Munster Cheese.
Isn’t it horrible the things that nukes are doing nowadays? It’s not just cancer any more, it’s making full-blown zombies.
This is going to be one of those movies where people walk off alone when they’re not supposed to and get snatched. People will have sex when they’re not supposed to and get snatched. In general people will be where they aren’t supposed to be and they’ll get snatched.
Let me save everyone the trouble and tell you what will happen in this movie.
A group of military scientists will attempt to study the same place that the “The Hills Have Eyes 1” took place, knowing full well what happened there before but now they have advanced weapons that will surely take care of the group of mutated people that make Sloth from “The Goonies” look good.
The end of the movie will come down to a showdown between one or two good people and a bunch of mutants. The last good person left will most likely be a woman who has fought her way through countless mutants only to reach what we think will be the end, until she gets snatched just so they have an excuse to make “The Hills Have Eyes 3.”
I pre-emptively hate this movie.
-By Aaron Peck/aaronpeck@cc.usu.edu
‘TMNT’
COWABUNGA!!!!!
Man that felt good. I’ve been holding that inside for, like, 18 years now.
It’s really happening though. Can’t you just taste the awesomeness just hanging in the air?
I’m ready for this movie.
I mean super ready.
I mean I’ve dug my old action figures out from under the bed for the first time in years.
I mean I’ve eaten nothing but pizza for four days.
I mean I’m wearing the TMNT pajamas I got for Christmas when I was eight and only weighed 75 pounds, right now.
I mean I’ve spent hours upon hours on Wikipedia writing volumes about how Rocksteady was so much cooler than Bebop.
I mean I’ve gotten my nunchucks out and put three new holes in my walls.
I love a lot of things.
I love my wife.
I love root beer floats.
I love America.
I love the daffodils
I always have and always will pre-emptively love this movie.
-By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
‘Shooter’
No, it’s not a spin-off film staring the upper crust antagonist of the beloved Adam Sandler classic “Happy Gilmore.” But something tells me that we’ll all be wishing that it was.
Instead, this high-octane thriller that stars Mark Wahlberg as an ex-Marine Corps sniper framed for attempting to assassinate the president of the United States, could, along with Wahlberg’s performance in Martin Scorsese’s critically acclaimed “The Departed,” serve to reinforce just why exactly Will Ferrell proclaimed Wahlberg as “kind of a badass” at the 2007 Academy Awards ceremony.
Based on the novel “Point of Impact,” the film’s premise falls somewhere between the complex, revenge-oriented exploits of Jason Bourne and the loud but lifeless swagger of a straight-to-DVD action romp.
And while the movie may increase the likelihood that Wahlberg will become pop culture’s next Sylvester Stallone, lines like “I’m reserving my right to bear arms” certainly undermine the cleverness of a man that went from laying down beats as “Marky Mark” to establishing himself as an accomplished actor and the behind-the-scenes inspiration for Vincent Chase and his HBO-based “Entourage.”
I pre-emptively hate this movie.
-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu