The Pre-emptive Critics
‘The Invisible’
“From the producers of ‘The Sixth Sense’…”
You know the movie’s going to be good when the best thing they can say on the movie trailer is, “From the producers of (insert good show here).” This is code for “This movie sucks. But if we can mention a good show during the trailer, maybe you’ll go see it.”
In a totally unrelated note, I’ve always wanted to be invisible. Every time the question of having superpowers comes up, inevitably I answer, “Invisibility.” It would just be loads of fun running around smacking people in the head and they had no idea it was you.
“The Invisible” is the stupid kind of invisibility. It’s the reason why Patrick Swayze was invisible in “Ghost.” That’s right, I used a Patrick Swayze reference. What of it?
Here’s to you Patrick Swayze, for making shows like “Roadhouse” and “Dirty Dancing.” You deserve a bit of recognition. Take a bow.
I pre-emptively think Patrick Swayze would hate “The Invisible.” Bring on “Ghost 2.”
-By Aaron Peck/aaronpeck@cc.usu.edu
‘Next’
I can see the future. Every week I am told the name of a movie, and I can tell you if it’s going to be good or bad.
It’s impressive, I know.
Nicholas Cage does not have this talent, however, or he would never have taken on a flop like “Next.” Anybody can act like they see the future, but it takes a real talent to actually pull it off.
Nicholas Cage wants you to believe that “Next” will be the “next” big thing (did you see that pun coming, Nick?).
But if I know anything about movies – and my being a pre-emptive critic should tell you that I do – I know that my peers and I are going to skip on this movie to spend the summer watching “The OC” reruns and lamenting our subpar finals.
But don’t take my word for it. Go home, sit on your couch and wait.
You’ll see.
But I don’t want you to get bored or anything, so maybe you should watch some old “The OC” or something.
I’ve seen the future, and this movie should not be in it.
I know that Nicholas Cage didn’t see this one coming, but I pre-emptively hate “Next.”
-By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu
‘The Condemned’
A group of Texas death row inmates have been given the chance to fight to the death for the chance of having their sentence dropped to life in prison.
I actually don’t know that this movie takes place in Texas, I’m just assuming.
Personally, I think this is a great idea, not only for a movie, but for the American Justice system in general.
Like take ten people who have reckless driving tickets, and have them compete in a demolition derby.
Winner gets off with a warning.
Or have ten pot heads compete in brownie-eating contest for the chance to get off with a lesser sentence (they’d be regular brownies, just to play with their heads a bit).
It’s really the perfect system. No matter what people do wrong, we can reward those who are best at it.
I can’t wait for the wet T-shirt contest they have for women guilty of indecent exposure.
This new system will make people think twice before commiting a crime.
‘Just how good at embezzling am I?’ they’ll think.
I also think we should keep the fight to the death for people who talk during movies. Especially during “The Condemned.”
I pre-emptively love this movie
-By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
‘Kickin’ it Old Skool’
When will Jamie Kennedy learn that no one in America thinks he’s funny? Well, not since the short-lived “Jamie Kennedy Experiment” aired on the WB anyway.
Mr. Kennedy has been wearing out his big-screen welcome with famously unfunny flicks like the Razzie Award-nominated sequel nobody wanted, “Son of the Mask” and the slightly more tolerable gangster parody “Malibu’s Most Wanted.”
For better or worse, Kennedy’s latest on-screen venture looks like the spiritual successor of the latter. In “Kickin’ It Old School,” Kennedy revives his over-the-top hipster impersonation as Justin Schumacher, an accomplished break dancer who awakens from a 20-year coma only to find that everything in his parachute-pant-filled reality has been turned upside down.
His parents have amassed considerable debt and his high school girlfriend is now engaged to Lex Luthor himself. Predictably, Justin will have to reassemble his former break-dancing posse to win back his girl and save his parents, although I’m not exactly sure how break-dancing is going to resolve either of those conflicts.
I will give one thing to Mr. Kennedy, though: It’s about time someone poked fun at all of the “You Got Served”s and “Stomp the Yard”s of the world.
I pre-emptively hate this movie.
-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu