The preemptive critics

“The Protector”

Who is the Protector? What is he protecting? Maybe the enviroment. Pocket, perhaps?

I don’t know; all I know is Tony Jaa is in this movie.

All I know about Tony Jaa, is in his last movie he lit his legs on fire and then kicked a guy in the head.

All I know about kicking someone with your legs on fire is that it’s the second manliest thing you can do – ever.

It’s mathematically proven: fire + legs + kicking = awesome.

I know what those of you who have heard about this movie are thinking, “What, Tony Jaa is fighting for some elephants? That’s stupid.”

Well, all I hear is, “Blah blah blah, Tony Jaa is fighting and he’s probably gonna set his legs on fire.”

Even if we don’t get to see the fire kick, the trailer does have him leaping off a skyscraper to kick a bad guy who is hanging from a helicopter in the chest.

That is Oscar-worthy acting if you ask me.

And if you don’t ask me, I’m going to set my legs on fire and kick you.

I preemptively love this movie.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu

“Hollywood Land”

Once upon a time, there was an actor named Ben Affleck – I mean, George Reeves – who starred in “Good Will Hunting” – I mean TV’s Superman – and then took roles in the worst movies of the past 10 years – I mean killed himself. Or did he?

“Hollywoodland” is a bit of a mixed bag, managing to be a murder mystery, a Superman movie and Ben Affleck’s supposed return to grace after years behind the proverbial eight-ball of casting, while still asking two of the toughest questions this side of your calculus test: Was the death of TV’s first Superman, George Reeves, a murder or a suicide?

And second, did Ben Affleck, who amazed the world by co-writing and starring in “Good Will Hunting,” really choose to date J. Lo and be in such awful movies as “Surviving Christmas,” or was it his evil body double?

This is the brilliance of “Hollywoodland.” Even after the media blitz that has anticipated its release, I’m still not sure if it’s really about George Reeves or if it’s merely a metaphor of Ben Affleck’s acting career. But, either way, the suspense is killing me – get it? Killing me? Maybe this movie and George Reeve’s suicide are a metaphor for my experiences with this movie. And all that mystery is why I preemptively love “Hollywoodland.”

-By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu

“The Covenent”

There has been a lot of criticism about the lack of original material emerging from the vacuous halls of Hollywood these days, and for good reason.

From “King Kong” to “Pirates of the Caribbean 2,” all of the biggest, highest grossing films are either reverent remakes or superfluous sequels.

I mean, when the great Depp himself commits to the same role more than once, you know there must be some collective desperation for new material.

But if the only original material Hollywood’s hackneyed screenwriters can seem to spew forth from pens that would apparently be better off without any ink is this prepubescent travesty, than I’ll take “Fast and the Furious 4.”

Personally, I like my supernatural teen angst without an imitation goth vibe.

And without acting so repulsive that it makes Hayden Christiansen’s “Mannequin” Skywalker resonate like Sean Penn’s turn in “Mystic River.”

Oh yeah, and special effects that don’t look like they came from the CW network’s rejected “Aquaman” pilot.

But, hey, if watching the film’s undercooked trailer prompts you to light some candles and start chanting, just make sure that the blood oath you take is to never, ever see “The Covenant.”

I preemptively hate this movie.

-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu