The preemptive critics

“Gridiron Gang”

Let me just set the rumors straight, just because Gridiron Gang is based on a true story about a bunch of hoodlums who have never played football before, does not mean that it’s based on the USU team.

What? Too soon?

I’ve said it before and – knowing Hollywood- I’ll say it again, this is a feel good story that uses sports to teach important life lessons ( i.e. believe in yourself, never give up, don’t smell another man’s cup).

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, just because “Seabiscuit” was a good movie doesn’t mean “Footballbiscuit” will be.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Mr. The Rock, it’s time to use your real name. Just becuase Hulk Hogan still does it, doesn’t mean you should.

I haven’t said it before and I hope to never say it again, but I rather let my wife drag me to a chick flick than sit through this film.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I preemptively hate this movie.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu

“Everyone’s Hero”

It seemed only natural to me that a movie named “Everyone’s Hero” would be about George W. Bush. Boy, was I wrong.

Believe it or not, Christopher Reeves’ last movie is a story about a cartoon boy who isn’t very good at baseball.

What kind of hero is that?

It’s my kind of hero.

I may not have grown up a cartoon, but I was the only player in the history of my Little League to actually fall asleep in right field. This movie makes me feel OK about that.

Why? Because that same baseball-challenged boy manages, with the help of a talking baseball, to retrieve Babe Ruth’s stolen bat.

Here’s the amazing part: if you swap the baseball for a Power Ranger and exchange Babe Ruth’s bat for some Hi-C in my parent’s fridge, this is the story of my life.

There are a number of questions one is asked before he or she is allowed to enter Heaven, and I imagine the two most important are: “Were you a hero?” and “Did you like Christopher Reeves?”

This movie has helped me answer both of these, and I, for one, will meet you on the other side.

I preemptively love this movie.

-By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu

“Last Kiss”

“Scrubs” introduced him to the world.

“Garden State” proved that his jovial humor translated perfectly to film.

And now, Zack Braff sets out to reinforce those romantic comedy chops that got him to where he is today.

Not to be confused with Pearl Jam’s Wayne Cochran cover by the same name, Braff’s latest amiable opus features a couple on the verge of one of life’s most difficult decisions: whether or not they are ready for marriage.

While the answer seems perfectly clear at first, everything changes for Braff’s Michael when a girl named Kim walks into his life.

Cue melancholy indie music.

With Braff in the pilot seat, “The Last Kiss” seems poised to reinvigorate the contemporary “coming-of-30-something-age” tale.

And with Paul Haggis, the famed screenwriter behind Oscar-winners “Crash” and “Million Dollar Baby,” in the co-pilot’s seat, “OC” star Rachel Bilson (“Meet the Fockers”) and recent Emmy-award winner Blythe Danner as wingmen (or women, rather), it appears that this evocative yarn of choices and heartbreak is destined to soar.

I preemptively love this movie.

-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu