The Preemptive Critics
“Employee of the Month”
I hate comedies that are based on a certain job because you generally have to have worked that job to get the jokes.
This is a problem for me. I’ve never worked at Wal-Mart. I’ve never waited. I’ve never even clerked.
Until I became I high-paid preemptive critic, I mostly worked as a janitor. There are no movies about being a janitor, because there’s only so much plot development you can get from cleaning a urinal.
Also, you never want to become employee of the month being a janitor. If you do, you must either work at one sad, sorry company or there was a toilet malfunction that I don’t even want to think about.
So yeah, I’m a little bitter – what of it?
This movie also features comedian of the year Dane Cook and flavor of the week Jessica Simpson.
That’s like combining fire and ice.
Or in this case, fire and suck.
Plus there’s a guy in the trailers who like he’s the RM, but isn’t really the RM, so that’s stupid.
I preemptively hate this movie.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
“The Departed”
Some movies seem so good that every famous person in earshot tries to nab a role. “Ocean’s Eleven” was that kind of movie. And while “Ocean’s Twelve” was a singular display of sheer awfulness, the original was pretty good.
“The Departed” continues in this tradition. Starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, Jack Nicholson, a producing Brad Pitt and others as “every famous person in earshot,” “The Departed” asks us what the world would be like if Jack Nicholson was a creepy guy who broke the law.
As this isn’t much different from his everyday role of creepy guy, I’d say the world wouldn’t be much different.
But I think it takes a movie like “The Departed,” with all of the drugs, guns and sex that an “R” rating will allow, to make me realize just how awesome this world is.
Matt Damon could be the police officer to write my next ticket, Martin Sheen might conduct my next job interview and next time somebody has to break my hand, I’m holding out for Jack Nicholson.
For its portrayal of debauched famous people, I preemptively love this movie. But, before Hollywood gets carried away, I preemptively hate its sequel, “The Departed Twelve.”
-By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu
“Chainsaw Massacre”
It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of the horror-thriller subgenre of film. My distaste for this particular brand of garbage has arisen for two noteworthy reasons:
1) Unoriginality. Most modern horror films you’ll find are either Americanized remakes of foreign phenomena like “Ringu,” or they borrow so many elements from films in the same genre that they are nearly indistinguishable from other horror movies (see: “The Grudge”).
2) Sensationalism. No film series illustrates this concept better than the “Saw” franchise. The idea that “less is more” never resonated with “Saw” creator, as his films are so dependent on depictions of mutilation that anyone who can sit through the films without wincing a few times should probably be admitted to a psychiatric ward.
Despite my misgivings about the genre, however, Michael Bay and Marcus Nispel’s 2003 remake of the cult classic “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” was grotesque, but still left much to the audience’s imagination.
It remains to be seen whether lightning can strike twice for the latest incarnation of Leatherface, but all of the right elements are there: an ensemble of attractive teens out for a good time (and the grown up Punky Brewster to boot!), Leatherface’s incestual family of creepy cannibals and that obnoxious drill sergeant from “Full Metal Jacket.”
If that’s not scary, I don’t know what is.
I preemptively love this movie.
-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu