The Preemptive Critics; Including summer snapshots
‘United 93’
Each week, Diversions Editor Matt Wright assigns me a movie to preemptively review. These reviews are generally off-base, sardonic and offensive.
It’s easy to make fun of the actors and the plot of “Into the Blue,” “When a Stranger Calls” and “Glory Road.” It’s easy to make fun of these movies because they totally suck.
This week, Matt, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal, threw “United 93” my way.
Are you familiar with this film? Let me catch you up to speed: It’s about 9/11. It’s about the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 and they’re thwarting of terrorist highjackers to save the nation’s capitol.
Even if I wanted to make fun of this movie, before I could say “either you’re with us or you’re with the terrorists,” I’d have George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Alberto Gonzales (who would all be very easy to make fun of in any preemptive review) knocking at my door and shipping me off to Guantanamo Bay to be tortured by any number of former high school football stars turned military officers.
For being a complete jerk, and assigning me this impossibly unfunny movie, I preemptively hate Matt Wright.
“United 93” is just simply not funny.
But give me a movie about the current Iraq war and I’ll have you rolling on the ground.
-by Aaron Falk/afc@cc.usu.edu
‘The RV’
They’re huge. They’re ugly. They take up two lanes of highway or fourteen parking spaces. They have maps on the back with a few states missing and smell like rest homes and outhouses. They’re the biggest things on the interstate without Mudflap Molly.
They’re RVs.
I hate these things. Always have, ever since I was late for a sunny day of reckless fun at the lake because I was stuck behind one of these Ridiculous Vehicles in the canyon.
I don’t blame the driver, according to his bumper, he’d rather have been square dancing.
I am, however, happy to see Robin Williams getting back to what made him an American institution – making family comedies that no one cares about.
I get the feeling this whole movie concept was born from a Hollywood screenwriter being too cheap to take his family on vacation, so he wrote a movie about it.
Of course he seems to be plagued with the idea that all campers get mauled by raccoons and covered in their own feces, so I can’t say that I blame him.
Of course, he considers sleeping in an RV camping, so maybe he deserved a weasel in his sleeping bag.
For reminding me that old people and hillbillies have seen more of the world than I ever will, I preemptively hate this movie.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu
‘Summer Snapshots’
‘The American Haunting’
An American Haunting is standard for hauntings worldwide. That’s because an American ghost is worth 1.2 Canadian ghosts, 1.4 Australian ghosts and six whole South African ghosts.
Unfortunately they’re only worth about half a British ghost.
For requiring too much math for a horror flick, I preemptively hate this movie.
‘Hoot’
I don’t give one. Sometimes I even pollute.
I preemptively hate this movie.
‘Goal! The Dream Begins’
Just in time for the World Cup, we have a soccer movie, where no one dresses like a girl, no one is a dog and no one bends it like Beckham. It’s about freakin’ time.
I preemptively love this movie.
‘X-men 3’
In this newest installment of the popular X-men series, we’ll meet some new characters with amazing mutant powers like flying, invulnerability, blue skin and being able to figure exact change in your head.
I preemptively love this movie.
‘How to Eat Fried Worms’
The timeless tale of overcoming childhood oppression by sticking things in your mouth, this book had a greater influence on my life than even “The Chocolate Touch.”
For making it so kids these days don’t have to read, ever, I preemptively love this movie.
‘Snakes on a Plane’
Samuel Jackson stars in this movie featuring – try to follow me here – a plane with snakes on it. Can the highly anticipated sequel “Mongooses on a Bus” be far behind?
I preemptively hate this movie.
-steveshiney@cc.usu.edu