The Preemptive Critics

The tagline for MGM’s latest release, “Into the Blue,” is “Treasure has its price.”

That price is apparently 110 minutes of Paul Walker. But even this 2-Fast-and-2-Furious Deedle, his undoubtedly wretched dialogue and his half-hearted heroics during some completely contrived chase scene couldn’t steer me off course and away from the proverbial prize at the end of this rainbow.

Is it a movie about surfers? I couldn’t tell you. Is it a movie about sharks? I don’t know. Is it a movie about sunken treasure? It doesn’t really matter.

As far as I can tell, it’s a movie about Jessica Alba in a bathing suit and I preemptively love it.

-acf@usu.edu

“The Greatest

Game Ever Played”

The movie’s name is “The Greatest Game Ever Played.” I’m not sure what the greatest game ever played was, but chances are this one wasn’t it.

Stop me if you’ve heard this: It’s a true story from the depression. People are depressed, out of work and slightly discolored. But a spunky competitor, who no one thinks can win, is going to teach us all to believe in our dreams.

It’s a good story. The problem is, it was a good story in “Iron Will,” and that was like a thousand of these movies ago.

Ever since “Seabicuit” did so well, the ever-creative Hollywood think tank started cranking them out again.

Now Disney is giving us “Golf-biscuit” in which the same thing we’ve seen before will happen, only this time on the golf course so it will take longer and not have much action.

For predictability and just plain cockiness, I preemptively hate this movie.

-steveshinney@cc.usu.edu