The soulless state of student work

I) Health Telemarketing & Cookies, Inc (hereinafter referred to as “ICONVERG”) is not responsible for lost items, including but not limited to, textbooks, backpacks, paper clips, stereos, money, clothing, personal fitness items, paychecks, children, medication, foodstuffs, and major credit cards.

II) Employees (hereinafter referred to as “YOU”) shall make no attempt to reclaim lost items rediscovered anywhere on ICONVERG property, included but not limited to, the manufacturing plant, the equipment test section, the cafeteria, corporate offices, accounting department, personal vehicles parked within 36 kilometers of any ICONVERG fitness equipment, the physical persons of top-ranking ICONVERG personnel, and large gambling halls.

III) If YOU believe ICONVERG to be directly responsible for the loss of YOUR items, send a formally written complaint in triplicate, signed by 13 sovereign monarchs in as many languages to the ICONVERG Complaint and Controlled Burn Division (hereinafter referred to as “OLD SMOKEY”).

IV) Any physical damage sustained by prolonged exposure to “waste” substances used in or emitted by OLD SMOKEY, including but not limited to, smoke, ash, carbon monoxide, tar, sulfuric acid, arsenic, asbestos, Splenda, magma, methane, Hostess cream filling, and radiation, is hereby officially due to neglect on the part of YOU or YOUR relatives. YOU should have watched were you were walking and taken care to prevent YOUR own exposure to any and all second-hand smoke.

V) Any resemblance between OLD SMOKEY and Chernobyl (Registered Trademark of the former U.S.S.R.; all rights reserved), is purely coincidental.

VI) If YOU are testing or using equipment and discover that YOUR machine is erratic, defective, sings show tunes, or tries to eat various and sundry “necessary” limbs, please follow the complaint procedures outlined in Section III.

VII) “Necessary” is an existential ideal that has nothing to do with YOUR work at ICONVERG.

VIII) If involved in an “assembly line” operation, YOUR soul will be subleased to the seventh level of ICONVERG micromanagement, (hereinafter referred to as “HELL,”) which is modeled directly after Dante’s “Inferno,” hereinafter referred to as the “EMPLOYEE USER’S MANUAL.”

IX) The company motto, as outlined on page I, sentence I of the EMPLOYEE USER’S MANUAL (“Abandon all hope, ye that enter here”), will be read at the beginning of every 16-hour work day. The motto will be tattooed on the palm of YOUR left hand, and on YOUR forehead, just over the left eyebrow. No religious belief, including but not limited to Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Jainism, Agnosticism, Atheism, Monotheism, Polytheism, Paganism, and Scientology, will exempt YOU from this procedure.

X) ICONVERG reserves the right to fire, whip, cremate, or use YOU in experimental tests if YOU are discovered engaging in unproductive activities, including but not limited to, reading, sleeping, whistling, juggling, singing, smoking, breathing, eating broken cookies, watching reality television, and mounting resistance forces.

ICONVERG Signature______________ YOUR Signature___________________

ICONVERG reserves the right to change any and all policies without notification, explanation or application of common sense.

Matt Wright is the editor at Diversions. Shooting from the Hip pokes fun at the foibles of student life and contemporary/local culture. Comments and questions can be sent to diversions@statesman.usu.edu.