The Surgeon General warns exercise can be embarassing

There was a reason why a bus full of high school students laughed at me over Spring Break. This time it had nothing to do with the time I asked Danielle Hancock to our senior prom and she laughed, threw the flowers back in my face and pulled my pants down in the school parking lot.

The reason is, I’ve finally started to take care of myself.

Things sure have changed for me recently. I’m now happily married to a beautiful woman, I have a job I enjoy and I’ve got a lifetime winning record at Settlers of Catan. Despite how great this all seems, it’s not an easy adjustment for me.

I’m just not used to having anything to live for.

With this in mind, I’ve decided to whip myself back into shape because, what better way to enjoy life than living more of it?

I’ve decided to write a column about this endeavor because, what’s funnier than a geek trying to engage in physical activity?

A monkey with a brain freeze – that’s what.

Now I’m not saying that everyone who considers comic books legitimate literature is a dork with the manual dexterity of a drunken, newborn calf trying to walk down a spiral staircase.What I’m saying is, recently, that’s what I’ve become.

It hasn’t always been this way. I used to be in top shape, but this was back in high school when I was on the soccer team and I would compete in the local bare-knuckle sumo league.

But these days, I win most of my battles through wisdom and/or sarcasm and my most physical activity most days is eating. I’ll be the first to admit, three years of this and you’ll lose your edge.

So I’ve started running again. Fortunately for me, I’m smart enough to not jump back into my old training regimen of running ladders up the stairs up Old Main Hill carrying a bucket of eggnog in each hand and a small, old man on my back and punching George Washington in the face.

He had wooden teeth – he deserves it.

Realizing I’m not up to that level yet, I’ve been running until I get too tired to continue, trying to push myself a little further each day. Within a few days, I was making it past the dumpster outside my apartment complex and all the way to the street.

Once I was able to run half a block, The Fates decided to test my resolve by having it snow. This was a very karmarific way to get back at me for all those times I’ve hucked muffins at winter joggers.

It also shows that Mother Nature likes to see me fall on the ice as much as I like watching other people.

Apparently, so do high school students.

But slipping on the ice and snapping my neck on the way down isn’t the only risk I brave when I try to prolong my life.

When I go running, I don’t wear my glasses, which makes it so that I can’t see as well as I’d like. I tend to miss the finer things in this state. The simple things that make running outside so enjoyable, like birds in the air, leaves budding on the trees and oncoming traffic.

If you ever see me running and squinting, you know why.

Still, I figure if I can sacrifice my life for the sake of irony, it’d all be worth it.

As I see it, after I run a few more laps around campus, I’ll return to fighting form and resume my work as a high profile bodyguard and nude model.

From there, I plan to branch out into whole new areas of self-improvement. Who knows what will be next?

Maybe new clothes, perhaps mouthwash. I’ll keep you all posted.

Geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently chasing a small chicken around the Quad while a

grizzled old man shouts at him. Comments and questions can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.