The true story of Thanksgiving:
Just one short week away, millions of Americans will gather together with their families, tell jokes, binge eat and give thanks while celebrating this country’s least favorite day, National Flossing Day.
Yes, four out of five dentists agree that flossing is boring. Why? There are no video games about flossing.
So if, like me, you aren’t really excited about flossing, then sleep in next Friday while wallowing in the leftover fatness from next week’s second-most-known holiday, Thanksgiving.
Having grown up in Southeast Asia, my family didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving very often, which was, of course, fine with me, because
1) I still don’t know what the heck a cornucopia is, and
2) As I’ve recently discovered, Thanksgiving is hazardous to you health – mentally.
This holiday season is a good excuse for extended families to get together, but take care. Specifically, watch out for weird old Uncle Leroy.
You know who I’m talking about. He’s the odd-looking, gruff uncle with wild facial hair who meanders around with a concerned facial expression, waiting to trap an unobservant niece or nephew in the corner. He’ll then tell you all about dream he had – only he calls it a vision.
In his dream, he’s flying to Idaho on a unicorn with ingrown toenails, when all of a sudden, a heavenly presence appears, heals him of his ailing goiter and tells him to gather his stockade of firearms and bunker down in a field outside of Malad.
Apparently, large and angry beasts of biblical proportions are coming to devour mankind. He then invites you to join him.
Yes, Uncle Leroy has obviously decided to use his vacation as a chance to rekindle his passion for smoking the wacky backy. More importantly, what would you do?
If, after being loaded up on tryptophan and gravy all day, you unknowingly walk into a trap like this, follow this helpful tip.
Thanksgiving Tip 1: Avoid getting weirded out by crazy relatives by faking an emergency.
Avoiding eye contact and being nonverbal is a challenge to Uncle Leroy, who will grill you until you finally submit and help him pile shotguns into the trunk.
The best way to get out of this situation is to shriek – a lot. And if the food is particularly bad that year, also yell “Fire!” As an ex-militant southern Utah militia man, Uncle Leroy will immediately take action, allowing you to escape to a friend’s house where all extended family is banned from the premises.
Assuming the situation will never get that bad, inevitably, another weird uncle, probably Floyd, will attempt to confirm your lack of intelligence by asking you to give a lengthy description of Thanksgiving history. If you can’t avoid the conversation by using the first tip, this should help you out.
Thanksgiving Tip 2: Thanks-giving history is boring, so spice it up with a few adjectives and side plots.
For example:
In 1621, the pilgrims had a little problem. The Mayflower didn’t have enough overhead storage compartments to allow them to bring any microwaves. So, after the big football game when they got kind of hungry, they went to see some of the Indians of the Walmarta tribe for some food and supplies.
Although kind enough to let the tribe eat with them, the pilgrims made them sit in the back of the bus on the way back to the village and didn’t allow them to vote on whether to eat apple or pumpkin pie that year.
Later, instead of taking them back home, the crazy bus driver “accidentally” took a wrong turn and dropped the Indians off somewhere in the Midwest.
So then the pilgrims owned everything and were consigned to be rich on account of the misfortune of others. They also started traditions which would belittle millions of people throughout history. Every year thereafter, they prayed to their turkey god that one day they would take over this land and make America the best place on earth. The End.
In a fit of rage for ruining one of this country’s most treasured stories, Uncle Floyd’s head will blow up. Again, this is a good time to make a dash for your friend’s house.
When you get there, make sure you are polite, nod at the turkey in understanding and don’t forget to remind everyone to floss on Friday.
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theatre design. Send any comments or column ideas
to wheel@cc.usu.edu.