This geeky dude has an attittude full of graditude

I’m just going to put to rest any rumors that may be flying around out there. My wife cannot, I repeat cannot, beat me at video games. This is a vicious lie started by my enemies to discredit my geekyness.

I’m not sure who would do such a thing. I’m thinking the Russian mafia, since they may still be pissed about the time I egged their house.

I’m not saying that girls can’t be geeks, I’m just saying that my wife isn’t – yet.

I am working on it, though.

I’m trying to help her understand the crucial bits of geek culture, such as how great power brings great responsibility or why Qui-Gon had to die. She’s still having trouble understanding why eating a mushroom can make you double in size, but it’s a start.

I’m grateful that she’s willing to – occasionally – sit through a discussion on the superiority of “Babylon 5” over “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine,” even though she neither understands nor cares.

This gratitude combined with the holiday season has inspired me to compile this list of things for which I am extremely grateful.

I’m grateful that there are hooks on the inside of the stall doors here on campus. This lets me read the latest Star Wars novel that I checked out from the library (another thing I’m grateful for) without fear of my bag falling to the men’s room floor, causing it to become unfit for any contact with the human hand.

I’m grateful that geeky movies are really becoming accepted by the rest of society. It’s gotten to the point where if someone hasn’t seen any of the “Lord of the Rings” series, I’m allowed to, in good conscience, give them a wedgie.

I’m grateful that I’m in college and not junior high anymore. Junior high was an awkward time full of all kinds of uncomfortable changes in a young man’s life. Many are excited about the opportunity for new experiences and responsibilities. Others are excited about the changes going on over in the female side of the gene pool. I was stoked because I thought I was turning into a werewolf.

It didn’t help that I went through puberty all in one day. I’m not exaggerating. It was Feb. 24th and I was in sixth grade. One day I left school a skinny little guy who looked about 8 years old. I came back looking exactly like I do now. I even grew a hat.

It’s a pretty scary experience growing a foot taller and a beard in one night.

I’m grateful for Cheetos. Cheetos are to food what movies like “Elektra” are to film. While in truth they have no redeeming value, they make you happy for a moment and in the end, you’re not hungry anymore.

I’m grateful that the universe, as a whole, seems to have very low standards for me. I can show up for a fancy wedding, complete with waiters in bow ties and a string quartet, wearing tennis shoes and mismatched socks. I can bring a gift wrapped in Sunday funnies and spend the whole evening butting into the front of the buffet line. And if, by the end of the night, I’ve spilled all over myself and dropped a whole piece of cake in the punch, people will just look at me, shake their heads knowingly and say, “That’s our Steve.”

I’m grateful it’s the holiday season because that means cookies and brownies will randomly appear on my neighbors’ doorsteps. Then I steal them.

I’m grateful that I was finally able to learn that pro-wrestling isn’t real. I’ve been a lot more popular since I started stopping the chair right before it collided with my friends’ heads. It’s been the best year of my life.

I’m grateful that I’ve been able to overcome my fear of muffins. Don’t ask.

I’m grateful for my imagination, which allows me to survive potentially boring situations.

No matter if it’s a lecture, church or talking to a cop, if I’m sitting still, I’m either a cowboy, a ninja or the ice cream man in my mind.

So, this Thursday, when you’re all sitting around the table waiting for everyone to say what they’re thankful for while the gravy coagulates before your very eyes, don’t be a loser and say you’re grateful for something stupid, like your health or family. Tell them you’re grateful Peter Jackson directed “King Kong.”

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Have some pie for me, and geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently training to meet his annual goal to eat 50 percent of his body weight worth of Grandma Shinney’s

famous stuffing. Comments

can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.