Tofu should be banned by FDA
Well, it’s finally time to come out of the pantry and admit to everyone the shameful truth: I am a vegetarian.
This conscious, life-changing decision was spurned by disdain for animated produce. Bob the tomato, Larry the cucumber, Archibald the asparagus and their pals have annoyed me enough that now I just want to chomp anything closely resembling them.
No, I actually made the change because veggies are dang tasty. So why not become a vegetarian?
When I first started, I had the normal worries of new vegans like,
“Am I going to be hungry all the time?”
“Is this going to cost a lot more?”
“Why is my skin turning bright green?”
It turns out that everything has worked out fine, thus far, and my pigmentation has subsided to a more neutral celadon. No one told me I shouldn’t only have eaten asparagus that first week.
I’ve always heard that eating plenty of carrots will improve vision, but the physical perks of being a vegetarian are much more than that. My physique has trimmed, I have more energy and my bowel movements are more “regular.”
Unsure of a proper diet, I had some difficulty being a vegan the first few months. Eventually, I got over the hurdle that eating animal crackers is actually OK. Now I realize the possibilities for meals are endless.
However, there is a questionably consumable item to which I thoroughly object. This gunk is called “tofu,” a name derived from the ancient Chinese “to,” meaning “mushed” and “fu,” meaning “vomit.” It should banned by the FDA.
Tofu is actually a caked, curdled bean substance made from the milky liquid extract from soybeans. Think of Jell-O Jigglers with no sugar, no color, no taste and no Bill Cosby.
It is a filler type of food that takes on the flavor of anything with which you cook it. So you might as well just eat Play-Doh.
Tofu was originally manufactured by jealous, hippie soybean farmers in ancient China to hurl at their dairy farmer counterparts. The translated conversation went something like this:
First jealous hippie soybean farmer: “Hey, those dairy dudes have better paying jobs than we do. Plus they don’t smell like beans.”
Second jealous hippie soybean farmer: “You have a valid point. As hippies what should we do?”
First jealous hippie soybean farmer: “How about we protest by curdling some of the milky liquid extract from our crops and hurling it at those guys?”
Second jealous hippie soybean farmer: “But soybeans have no nipples.”
Dairy farmer: “Moo!”
To make a long story short, tofu was invented a long time ago and has given ordinary folks the willies ever since.
When some people find out I hate soy products, they object to my eating habits and raise silly questions like,
“Where do you get your protein?”
The answer is simple – ice cream.
Not only does ice cream taste dang good, it also contains proteins, fats, sugars and calcium, which is something my body needs anyway.
However, ice cream never goes through my system well unless I have a steak first. So I suppose I get protein from steak too. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure there’s also a bunch of protein in my favorite snack, chicken cordon-bleu. Boy is it tasty!
By the way, I must confess that I’m not a very orthodox observer of the vegan code, or what I like to call a vege-nazi, but I still abide by the basic beliefs.
I eat plenty of Bobs, Larrys and Archibalds, but my eating habits can be described as culinary affirmative action. I give an equal opportunity for all vegetarian foods to be eaten – and the occasional turkey. But don’t tell anyone.
So now it’s your turn. I know you like vegetables. Follow my example by not hiding your secret anymore. Do what you know deep down is true. Come out of the pantry. It’s liberating!
On a side note, I can’t wait for Thanksgiving.
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theatre design. Send comments, column ideas, or new uses for tofu to
wheel@cc.usu.edu.