‘Why did they ever get rid of … ?’ March edition
We’re but a couple days removed from the “ABC’s One Saturday Morning” hallowed Holy Grail of school year intermissions that is spring break. It’s hard to believe we got here as fast as we did, and that certainly leaves several of us educational bystanders feeling very unprepared for the festive week ahead.
Well fear no more, casual acquaintances, for this weekly humor columnist has the perfect tool in his back pocket to get you in full gear for your lazy week: enhanced nostalgia. Let us build ourselves for our time off by basking in the remembrance of little victories gone by with this monthly installment of “Why did they ever get rid of … “
Why did they ever get rid of saying “not” after things? – Seriously, though. Talk about the simplest possible way to enhance communicative antithesis. No more working to structure contrary sentences for, dear master; you had it down in one simple word. It was the perfect avenue to seek mockery where it seemed there was only room for agreeance. You can hear it in your mind now: “Sure, mom, cauliflower would be the perfect side dish for our salisbury steaks … not.” It strengthened relationships while perfectly setting generalized emotional agendas – the three-lettered voice of the voiceless – unless you happen to like cauliflower.
Why did they ever get rid of Moon Shoes? – Trampolines for your feet. I feel like there is no possible argument here. Remember how badly you begged every adult older than you to buy a trampoline for you backyard? Well, now the world of your backyard and your feet are the conglomerate of every cool parent in the world that was totally fine with overlooking the extremely obvious safety risk of a giant elastic pad that both set itself at about a thousand degrees on a sunny day and shot small children several feet in the air. Perfection. Don’t lie to me; if there were Moon Shoes for adults, you’d be at a grown up Keds inside the imaginary awesome mall in my mind waiting for a pair right now.
Why did they ever get rid of “Nick News with Linda Ellerbee?” – … not. Sorry, I just needed a good reason to use that. “Nick News” sucked. We all knew it. It was almost as bad as “MTV News,” except nothing in this known universe is worse than that droning Kurt Loder talking about the “meteoric rise of Sugar Ray.”
Why did they ever get rid of Fruitopia? – All of our local rec center gymnasiums had one, and though none of us ever got one because of the whole who’s-mom-was-ever-going-to-splurge-three-quarters-for-anything-Melon-Blast-flavored mentality, we always lived in hope that we could indulge from the elixir that must have existed in what was easily the coolest looking beverage bottle this side of dnL. Remember dnL? Tell me you remember dnL. We can only sit and wonder now.
Why did they ever get rid of season premiere countdown specials? – Welcome to TGIF’s ace in the hole. Need a means to promote the next installment of “Teen Angel?” Simply follow the formula of 1.) blocking a two-hour segment before a 23-minute episode, 2.) sitting the whole cast next to a pool, 3.) booking ‘N Sync to perform and Natalie Imbruglia just in case and 4.) booking tons of Chester Cheetah commercials. It worked. Every time. Nowadays, we simply settle for episodic marathons, and I’m sure none of them have even thought to book Imbruglia, heck, even M2M as a backup. Rookies.
Feeling spry and vibrant yet? If so, you are now set as can be for spring break and all of its adventures. It’s all you’ll need after you actually take that trip to Europe you’ve gabbed about doing since October, because you totally followed through on that … not.
– Steve Schwartzman is a senior finishing a degree in communication studies. With eight years of column writing and improvisational comedy under his belt, he lives to make you laugh. Send thoughts to steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu or hit him up on Twitter @SESchwartzman.