Why I Hate Board Games
Hate’s a strong word. Do I dare use it in this context?
Yes.
Admitting you hate board games in the family-friendly land of Utah is like telling a group of millennials that you’ve never read the “Harry Potter” series — but worse. Tell them you didn’t make it through the first three chapters of “The Sorcerer’s Stone,” and you’ll hear crickets as they roll their eyes at the “uncultured swine” in their midst.
But tell them you hate board games, and they’ll string you up by your ankles and feed you to the wolves.
If you aren’t well-versed in J.K. Rowling’s best-selling story, then you’re just naive and uncouth, at worst. But if you hate board games, you have no soul.
I’d like to start a movement. Become a “board game haters” activist. Create a Board Game Haters Alliance Club on campus. Create a twelve-step program if I have to.
If hearing the words, “your turn” gives you hives, if you feel like a wallflower every time your roommates host a game night, if you would rather stab your eyes out with dice before you play a round of Yahtzee — there is hope. If you hate board games, you’re not alone.
My name is Vivian Gates. And I’m a board game hater.
Don’t mistake me for resenting not only games, but those persons who play said games. This is false. Many of my loved ones would happily jump on the opportunity to play a cozy game of Monopoly on Sunday evening. Many of them would be content to spend 15 minutes in the game aisle of Target, leisurely sifting through stacks of brightly colored boxes and decks for the perfect treasure. I think nothing less of these people. In fact, quite the opposite. I wish I possessed their cheerful, healthy appetite for games.
Maybe it’s an issue of impatience, perfectionism, or pride (I’m willing to admit I am subject to all of these flaws). But I hate games.
The mundane, counter-clockwise taking of turns. The dice that wind up halfway across the room every time you roll. The game piece that everyone fights over for some absurd reason that is completely beyond me. The winning based on chance, rather than merit. The winning based on merit — which is equally as disheartening when you lose.
Oh, and the losing. Don’t even get me started.
But back to the point, if any of you game-haters are reading this, I beg you to internalize what I’m about to tell you. We can beat the cycle of social shame if we but speak our minds. Don’t want to go to game night? You go. Bring dinosaur tattoos instead. You’d rather die than play a round of dominoes with your in-laws? Excuse yourself to the kitchen, and make cookies. They’ll forget they even thought about engaging in such a heinous social activity.
We can be the change. We’re going to make the peeps at Hasbro wish they were dead.
— Dr. Vivian Gates is a three-time world pumpkin carving champion. She’s also the religion and faith reporter for The Utah Statesman.
@viviangates29
I don’t suppose you would consider that you’ve been playing all of the wrong board games?
I mean, I love board games, but I absolutely detest Monopoly, Dominoes, and pretty much any of the other games they sell at Target and Walmart. They’re primarily bought to give to children, who lose half the parts, and make up their own rules- culminating when they wander off and do something else with their afternoon.
But there are some really fantastic board games out there. Many of them address your issues (for example, there are some terrific co-op games like Pandemic or Zombicide that really mitigate the hate of losing).