Why you should be watching The Bachelor

You know, I was once like you.

I thought reality TV was mindless entertainment, a momentary retreat from burdensome real life responsibilities into a realm of gross inebriation and bosoms of silicone. It’s mostly trash. No, it’s all trash. So-called reality TV is about as representative of an actual grounded human experience as the WWE.

Then I started watching The Bachelor, and holy geez guys, have you seen this show?

Maybe it’s because I’m a sports guy and the idea of competitive dating appeals to me, but the basic premise goes as follows — the affections of some bearded dude plucked out of an Abercrombie in Milwaukee are up for grabs while a few dozen women set out to build their armies of thirsty Instagram followers, and maybe find love along the way. The longer the contestants feign a convincing courtship, the longer they get to be on TV in ridiculous situations.

They dance with old boy bands, shovel cow manure, don wedding dresses on first dates — there was a freaking camel in the pilot, and it didn’t even crack the top ten most absurd moments of the show’s opening stanza.

Each episode, roses are distributed musical-chairs style until a few unfortunate souls depart, roseless, though not before absorbing their weight in tequila. Tears are shed. Self-esteems are crushed. It’s a horrible mess and an absolute dream after a day of lit classes and two shifts at your on-campus job.

I began my personal ascent into Bachelor fandom a few episodes into last year’s Ben and Lauren season. Lauren Bushnell was a cute blonde Trailblazer fan and my early pick to win it all — which she did. It’s refreshing investing in something competitive that still can’t even breathe impact on your life. The Seahawks losing the Super Bowl threw me into a week-long funk; Raven’s inevitable departure later this season will at most spur me toward the fridge to grab a scoop of Tillamook ice cream.

Now, it’s no march madness tournament, but there does exist an online bracket and point system to spice up the competitive aspect of the show if you so choose to watch with friends. And honestly, watching with friends is the best part. Your merry band of Netflix buddies will feel the air abandon your apartment’s living room every time Corinne survives and advances. You’ll come to appreciate the steady pulse of hatred that courses through your Bachelor-viewing group each time Nick (who, I’m told, is the most unlikeable bachelor since Juan Pablo) cuts a deserving career-driven woman in favor of some partying spring-breaker, deftly scrolling past the fact that he is a grown-ass 36-year-old man.

You won’t believe me until you try it, and your initial impression of the show will probably be a lot like that first week on Tinder. You’ll insist it’s “just kind of for fun,” but step by gradual step, you’ll begin looking forward to Monday nights at 7 p.m. to find out if freaking Josephine is going to slip under the radar for another week, or if Vanessa finally ditches the show because she knows she’s way too good for it.

Give it time, soon you’ll be one of us, and we can talk all about it Tuesday morning.

— Logan Jones is a junior majoring in creative writing. He earned major boyfriend points from his lovely lady for picking Lauren B over JoJo last season.

@Logantj