How to survival a Cache Valley Zombie Apocalypse
Because it’s October, the imminence of anything creepy seems stronger. You may find yourself checking corners, running to doors after turning off lights or looking over your shoulder more than usual.
But let’s be real, none of the imagined phantoms are there, no spectres are waiting for you in your closet and nothing is crawling around in your basement. At worse you might run into some dolt who thinks it’s funny to capitalize on the recent clown craze (if that happens, take this advice.) There is only one real threat: zombies. But you’re in luck! The Utah Statesman is concerned for your safety. Here is your survival guide if the undead decide to haunt the spot where the sagebrush grows.
Shelter:
When seeking shelter from an onslaught of brain-hungry former humans, the first thing you need to think of is access. If you can get in the building, so can they (this also depends on what kind of zombies you encounter: the slow, deranged peaceful type of old, the energetic type from “Dawn of the Dead” or the insanely fast from “I Am Legend” or “Warm Bodies”). Any openings need to treated like castle gates. Heck, if you can make a moat do it. Smiths, Macey’s, Sportsman’s Warehouse and churches would be ideal, if you can block the exits. Al’s simply has too many windows. Don’t try campus (though the underground tunnels would be nice.) It’s way too heavy on the window game. You can run up the canyon and make a safe shelter too, but you’ll have to figure out food sources, unless you plan on hunting.
Exercise:
If you’re eating a bag of Cheetos right now, put it down! That crap is what will get you killed if you get in a foot race with a hoard of brain-eaters. Most of your time spent during the zombie apocalypse will be running, shooting and hiding so your cardio needs to be up to speed. You’ll need to be ready to run at any minute. For a quick ZA prep workout check this video out. It also wouldn’t be a bad idea to brush up on your parkour skills (who didn’t do that as a kid?) but don’t be like these guys, be like these. Also, get a bike, ditch your car. Cars, though faster, need fuel. Bikes don’t. Just make sure you have extra tires and repair kits. Heck, if you work hard enough you could even learn bike parkour, like Danny MacAskill.
Weapons:
Means of defense are essential if you’re going to make it past the first few days and longer. However, do not forget the first rule of zombie-to-human relationships: run. Most likely you will not find a zombie who still has feelings and ends up saving and falling in love with you in Shakespearean fashion. Banjos, LP records, garden shears and cricket bats have been known to work well. Guns are good, but ammo will always be an issue. Use items that are easy to transport and carry but still effective, like baseball bats, lightweight swords and daggers (though proximity is an issue with the shorter variety), tools and light furniture.
Food:
If you’re a Latter-day Saint who already has food storage (or just a person who already has food storage) you’re already partially ready for the ZA. Yay! If you don’t have food storage here are some basic suggestions: bottled water and stored water (two-liter soda bottles work great), canned and nonperishable food (make sure you have multiple can openers) and Mountain House dinners or other dehydrated food. You can even store up on seeds to grow your own food if the situation requires it. Also make sure you have lightweight pots and pans as well as matches or a fire-starting kit. You can check out this website or this website for other food suggestions. Fortunately for us in Cache Valley, Gossner’s boxed milk stands at any temperature and doesn’t go bad, so you won’t only have to drink water.
In general, you should have a heavy-duty but lightweight backpack ready to go at any minute. It should have the essential items you’ll need once the virus spreads: tools, weapons, a tent, water purifier, medication, extra clothes, hygiene kit, pocket knives, headlamps/flashlights, first aid kit, radio, maps of local areas, solar charger for devices and playing cards or small games to pass the time when you’re not chopping off heads or shooting your now-undead neighbors. Basically, if you can develop an unhealthy love of backpacking and buying backpacking gear now, you’ll be fine when the ZA strikes. Hopefully you never have to use any of this stuff other than for recreation, but it never hurts to be prepared for what may or may not be lurking around the corner.
—mikeburnham3@gmail.com
@mikeburnham31