COLUMN: If this goes as scripted, you just might get to see me naked tonight

It’s been so long since I went on a date, I think the girl curtsied at me when I showed up at her front door. We spent the date in her parents’ drawing room discussing the possibility of finding the Northwest Passage and how to effectively deal with several current peasant uprisings. I dumped her after the fourth date because she still wouldn’t even let me see her ankles. When it comes to dating, I’m like an American colonial trying to figure out what the hell a pix message is – basically, I’m John McCain. Since it’s been so long, I’ve had to bring myself up to speed on the customs of today’s dating world. But going up to the counter at a bookstore with self-help books about dating just isn’t an option – way too embarrassing, people can’t know that I read. So I went with the next best thing – reruns of “Saved By The Bell.” With Zack Morris as my role model, I slicked back my hair and started talking to an imaginary camera. I asked a girl out and tried to take her to The Max, but apparently that doesn’t exist. I was sunk, so I just took the girl home. Watching six hours of “Saved By The Bell” every day for a week didn’t get me any action, but I did learn important lessons about diet pill use and gambling. But one thing I still can’t figure out is why Zack and Slater hung out with Screech, because that guy was a huge tool. Either way, I’ve came to the conclusion that maybe Zack Morris is just more attractive than I am. Maybe that’s my problem. But, I’ve always thought that if I wasn’t so average looking, I would make a great hot guy. I’m shallow enough that even a brief period of sun would make me evaporate. Looks don’t matter that much – Gary Busey probably even gets laid, occasionally – so that can’t explain all of my dating woes. Really, it’s probably for the best, my idea of a date would make most girls nauseous. My perfect date: Fade in with Van Halen’s “Panama” playing. Camera pans over a small house party. Cut to shot of a keg stand. Cut to shot of college kids jumping and dancing. Cut to shot of a couple making out on an ugly orange couch. Cut to shot of Baker playing elegant, yet inspired air guitar. He pauses to take a long drink out of the can of Olympia that’s sitting on the kitchen table. Enter hot rocker chick with shorter black hair. She’s only wearing a small white bikini. (Zoom to her face) Rocker Chick: “Hey, I saw you from across the room and -” (Cut to his face) Baker: “Yeah, I am looking pretty good tonight.” (Tugs on Pantera shirt.) “Thanks for noticing.” (Pull out to wider shot) Rocker Chick: (Touching his arm) “I just thought -” (Zoom on his face) Baker: “Listen, I don’t have a lot of time, got to get back to the rockin’.” (Takes another pull off his beer.) “So, I’m going to be pretty drunk later, you want to take advantage of me?” (Shot of her licking her lips and her hand playing with her bikini top) Rocker Chick: (Sultry tone is essential here, not a hint of sarcasm) “Oh, I would love nothing more than to have drunken sex with you.” (Wider shot of both of them) An understanding nod. Cut to rocking out montage. Shot of air guitar. Shot of Baker smashing beer can. Shot of head banging. Shot of shotgunning a beer. Shot of Baker, seated, playing air drums. Cut to sex montage with Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” playing. Cut to shot of making out while entering the door. Cut to shot of her back as the bikini top falls to the floor. Cut to shot – from the top bunk of a bunk bed – Baker is on top. (Zoom to her face, sweat needs to make her glisten) Rocker Chick: “OH … MY … GOD!” Baker: “Don’t flatter me, babe.” Pan out, showing pile of clothing on the floor and the comedy movie and beer posters on the walls. Fade to black. Guys understand how that’s a date. Girls … not so much. The perfect date for girls has to be something magical, unrealistic and ultra expensive. A girl’s perfect date: Close up on a red door. Hand enters shot and knocks. (Zoom out to show man in black suit, holding three dozen roses.) Door opens. Girl: “Wow. You, you didn’t have to.” Guy: “Don’t be silly, yes I did, this is your fantasy … er, I mean this is the least I can do for you, princess.” (Guy grabs girl’s hand, leads her out the door. She’s wearing a gaudy dress. A gaggle of little people carry the train.” (Zoom out to shot of the group walking down the walkway, camera follows.) Girl: “Oh my God, what’s the helicopter for?” Guy: “It’s sitting there costing me $100 every time that fu- I mean, it’s going to take us to the place where dreams come true.” Girl: “Disneyland?” Guy: “What? No. Unless that’s where you want to go. I have something planned.” Cut to shot of helicopter landing on top of building where a candlelight dinner is set up. Servers wait around the table. Cut to shot of her face in the candlelight. Girl: “This is amazing. Can we get dessert?” Zoom out to shot of guy snapping his fingers. Servants bring flaming dessert to the table. Girl: (claps) “You really-” Guy: “Shh. Yes I did.” Cut to montage of romantic locations (A Tori Amos song plays in the background). Shot of them and the little people in a rowboat on a lake with the moon’s reflection shimmering in ripples on the water. Shot of her smiling face. Shot of his sweat-covered grimacing face as he rows. Shot of the two running barefoot down the beach with little people falling over trying to keep up with them as they try to keep the dress out of the gentle waves. Shot of “The Notebook” on a big screen TV, pan to the couch where the guy and girl are spooning. (Zoom to their faces, her face in front of his.) Girl: (A tear rolls down her cheek.) I love – (She sniffles. He winces in pain.) this movie.” Cut to his face, a relieved look. Cut back to shot of both faces. Girl: “Don’t you just love this movie, too?” Guy: (Musters up a fake tear.) “It’s, well, it’s just so damn touching. I’m sorry, it just gets to me.” She kisses him. Girl: “You know, we could’ve just done this all night.” Guy: (Surprised look on his face) “Wait, really? That other stuff, that other 12 grand worth of stuff was all just … superfluous?” Girl: “Yeah. I can’t believe you thought all girls were so like that. You just believe all the stereotypes. All girls aren’t like that.” Guy starts crying real, large tears. Fade to black. And that was really supposed to be the end of the column too, but this thing is like the last “Lord of the Rings” movie, it just won’t end – even after we’ve faded to black, twice. I’ve got one more thing to say. Girls, you know you can ask guys out. “The Feminine Mystique” is banned in Utah, but come on, it’s 2008. I understand Utah is so far behind socially that we still use the feudal system, but the whole knight in shining armor stuff is over. Guys think a woman that know what she wants is sexy. And, it’s a hell of a lot easier for us if she makes those intentions known.

– da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu