COLUMN: How to be completely nerdproof
I have three goals in life. One is to is to perform my one-man version of “Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail” for the Pope. Another is to beat “Super Mario Bros. 3” without using a warp whistle. The final one, and this is the big one, is to save Christmas.
I mean, save Christmas in a big way, like Earnest did. Not just for my family but for the whole world. So far I haven’t gotten my chance so I’m going to practice with some lesser holidays, starting with Valentine’s Day.
It appears there are geeks all over campus trying to take my advice to heart and are now happily stalking women. I’ve never been so proud.
Apparently not everyone has seen the beauty though.
Never in the history of the Geek Beat has a column generated such a response as last week’s. Who would have thought that teaching people underhanded and possibly illegal love tactics would rub people the wrong way?
But regardless of whatever foul madman started this crisis, I shall come to aid and use my powers to save Valentine’s Day! (play fanfare now)
OK girls, so your normal maneuvers didn’t work. You tried saying no and avoiding him. You’ve stopped leaving the house alone. You even hit him in the face with the roses he gave you. You can’t just reject a geek. We’re immune to rejection like a cobra is immune to it’s own poison.
The trick is for you ladies to convince the guys that you’re not as perfect as they think you are. Actually since they’re geeks and most likely have no previous experience with women you should just convince them that the female of the species is more trouble than it’s worth.
Do this by sucking it up and becoming their girlfriend. This is only temporary mind you it won’t last long. Once you do so you can begin trying to change him though female nagging, a force in strength that is often compare to the strong nuclear bond.
Learn the difference between “Star Wars” and “Star Trek” but always refer to them by the other name. When he tries to explain the difference, reassure him that it’s all the same to you.
Or better yet, find out which on he prefers and then openly state his choice’s inferiority to the other. This is the geek equivalent of insulting his mama.
Talk at length about how comic books are for kids.
Make him shower every day (geeks hate water, like cats) and constantly question his taste in dress. If he has facial hair, make his shave it, if he has none tell him you only like guys with handlebar mustaches.
If worse comes to worse and you need to get rid of him in a hurry, I give you permission to use the Ultimate Weapon. I hope that it should never come to this but some times you need to take drastic measures.
Wait until you’re all alone. It’s best to do it late at night so that he’ll be sleepy and less able to put up any sort of defense. Then when he is most vulnerable, beat him at chess.
He will break up with you out of shame within an hour.
For any geek sympathizers out there, don’t worry. While it appears I’m being cruel, giving my fellow geeks their first chance for love only to snatch it away a week later. But in truth this will be the best thing for them. Some things just don’t mix. Geeks and girls are two of them.
Who needs a girlfriend? Not the geeks. A sweet gaming rig and a new copy of “Half-life 2” is all we need for a happy Valentine’s Day.
Because they let us geek on.
Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently plotting how to save St. Patrick’s Day. Comments can be sent to steveshinney@cc.usu.edu