The Preemptive Critics
“North Country”
Cursed with a pretty face, Charlize Theron did the only thing a serious thespian could do; she became a heinous lesbian with a case of blood lust.
With two surefire instant classics waiting in the wings – “Aeon Flux” and “The Brazilian Job” (I’m not making this up) – Theron probably figured she’d get while the getting’s good and make one more Oscar bid. I mean, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
So in “North Country,” Theron – once again – uglies up and hunkers down to do some real, award-winning acting.
And if the film’s makeup artists didn’t have enough work trying to make Theron look bad, they’re thrown the additional task of making Woody Harrelson look OK.
At its heart, “North Country” is an action movie. Well, it’s a movie about a class-action lawsuit. And as titillating as good litigation can be, I’m going to have to object.
I preemptively hate this film.
-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu
“Doom”
Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?
Yep … it’s another bad movie.
Just in case you haven’t heard, The Rock is starring in the upcoming movie version of “Doom.” I just have to ask: why are we still calling this man The Rock? He doesn’t wrestle any more. Since when could grown men choose to rename themselves after geological structures and get taken seriously?
Listen, Rock, I know you’re pissed about your name being Dwayne Johnson, but seriously dude, it’s time to move on.
Beyond the star’s monolithic moniker, “Doom” still looks like a stinker. It doesn’t help that it’s based on a video game. The film joins the ranks of such cinematic blunders as “Street Fighter,” “Double Dragon,” “Wing Commander” and the great crime against humanity, “Super Mario Brothers.” Why do people keep making these movies?
Tell you what, Hollywood, why not base your next video game movie on “Tetris.”
The plot? It’s just a guy playing Tetris for two hours. I’d still rather watch that than sit through “Doom.”
And one last reason I’ll be watching “Batman Begins” on DVD rather than going to “Doom,” they actually shot parts of the movie in first person as if the audience were playing the game.
I’m preemptively seasick from this movie.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu
“Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story”
Disney’s latest gallop into the feel-good genre where “everybody can win if they really try hard … and own a horse,” begs an unsettling question. How much more can Hollywood do with Mr. Ed and his equestrian spawn?
To date, there are at least 103 different horse-inspired movies, including seven adaptations of the 96-page book, “Black Beauty.”
Frankly, the movies all suck horse muffins. If any of the films made it onscreen during recreation at the prison, North Korea would accuse us of human rights violations.
Basically, “Dreamer” is about a little girl (Dakota Fanning) with a horse and a dream. The film seems like is pretty much an American version of the Irish movie “The White Pony.”
The fun part about “The White Pony” though, is that the girl gets her horse, only to discover that it is actually a fairy creature trapped in a horse’s body.
I hope Kurt Russell is in “Dreamer” for a similar reason. I don’t know of a higher purpose for Disney’s tri-decade poster child than to act as the unknowing receptacle of a tap-dancing leprechaun.
Overall, “Dreamer” looks gooey. The trailer alone left me nauseated.
“He (Russell) gave her a chance, and she (Fanning) gave him a dream.”
But together, they gave us an ulcer.
For being the one-millionth movie “inspired by a true story,” I preemptively hate this film.
-by Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu