Opinion Column:
In a surprise move, the NCAA not only refused to drop regulations against American Indian-inspired nicknames and mascots, but expanded its edict to include Aggies to the list of derogatory terms. The decision came after scattered protests of 4-Hers, farmers and ranchers burned large wheels of gasohol-soaked cheese in front of state capital buildings in Utah, Texas and New Mexico – three of the largest state universities using the Aggie nickname.
What is an Aggie, anyway?
“It’s a bunch of bull,” one Austin, Tex., protester quipped. “What about cows, corn or chickens? I know it doesn’t make a very inspiring mascot at the halftime show, but why not someone dressed as sorghum for a change?”
No, it has nothing to do with being a vegetarian,” the Aggie-liberation protester added. “If I were a vegetarian, I wouldn’t want them making fun of vegetables either. This about the demeaning connotation they have given Aggies.”
In their defense, university administrators retorted in a prepared statement read by university spokesperson Adam Coldbrain, “Our choice of the Aggie avatar was to honor the long tradition and history surrounding indigenous agriculture.”
When an astute reporter pointed out that agriculture was not really indigenous to these three states, Coldbrain was quick to say. “Umm, well.” And a few moments later, “That will require further research.”
A spokesperson for agricultural producers, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, claimed that his great, great, great grandfather Sterling Pointknob gave New Mexico State, Utah State and Texas A&M permission to use “Aggie” as a nickname and mascot in exchange for 1,200 feet of irrigation pipe and a steam-driven combine in 1895.
“To me, it has always been about honoring the land and the people who first drilled wells, plowed the fields and got rid of all those trees and rocks,” the anonymous spokesperson explained. “Forests are great to look at, but have you ever tried to grow corn in a forest?”
The bull mascot doesn’t bother me either,” he added. “It’s a large virile creature that spends most of its time laying about until he’s called upon to, you know, do what bulls do. I admit this mascot might be inappropriate when applied to women’s sports, but who thought back in 1895 that we were going to have women’s sports in college? I’m sure my great, great, great grandfather didn’t.”
The NCAA is still sifting through a plethora of angry letters and e-mails for enraged ornithologists trying to get NCAA officials to address their concerns over the teams using flightless and flight-capable birds as their mascots.
In a follow-up news conference later in the week, NCAA representatives fielded more questions from the press and public. When asked why teams needed any mascots or team names in the first place, NCAA spokesperson Coldbrain said “Um well” and “That will require further research.”
Dennis Hinkamp does not have and never will have a mascot for Slightly Off Center.