Preemptive Critics

“When a Stranger Calls”

When a stranger calls, do you …

A) Answer it?

B) Screen it?

C) Fake a bad reception?

D) Thank them kindly and agree to meet later to pick up your free candy and puppy dog?

E) Make a really bad “Scream” knock-off with a “Cellular” twist?

With this film making a brief stop in theaters Friday, before hitting video store shelves sometime next week, the answer is apparently E.

Still, it’s a far trickier situation to handle than when a stranger texts. Because you can always just say you never got it.

“When a Stranger Calls” is the would-be-scary tale of a babysitter being terrorized by some guy who’s probably just trying to collect on a past due T-Mobile bill.

I’m told this is every teenage girl’s worst nightmare. Meanwhile, teen pregnancy remains every teenage boy’s worst nightmare.

I preemptively hate this movie.

All the same, have you seen these previews? I don’t care if she’s 14. You’d be calling her too.

-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu

“Suits on the Loose”

As Valentine’s Day approaches, a movie comes to tell the tale of a pair who, despite great trial, are going to stick together, because they have to.

I’m talking about missionary companions.

‘Suits on the Loose’ is not a CGI filled horror flick about men’s formal wear possessed by demons that go on a bloody, but humorous, killing spree. We’re not that lucky.

What it is, however, is the story of two youngsters on the run from their summer camp for hoodlums. The troubled young men steal a car and the identity of two LDS missionaries. Hijinx ensue because the two must pretend to be part of the local Mormon community.

I think I liked this plotline better when it was “Mobsters and Mormons,” because it made fun of the Italian-American accent.

I don’t know what the big deal is: When I was on my mission, there were days I would have paid delinquents to steal my car and clothes just so I wouldn’t have to endure one more crazy conspiracy theorist explaining how the Mormons were in cahoots with the local fertilizer company.

But this film will find its way onto DVD and into my machine and I will end up laughing at jokes that my brain knows aren’t funny and enjoying myself all the more because of it.

I preemptively, yet hesitantly, love this movie … on DVD.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu

“Something New”

For me, a movie title is a promise.

For instance, when I see the title “Twelve Angry Men,” I’m not expecting 13 slightly disgruntled adolescents.

I’m expecting a dozen men who are mad as hell and aren’t gonna take it any more.

In this department, “Jaws,” which gave us intimate knowledge of the Great White’s 3,000 teeth, was successful. But “Million Dollar Baby,” which didn’t have a single reference to an expensive, underground market for toddlers and newborns, was a failure.

Now they’re giving us “Something New.”

Let’s see: We’ve got a successful lawyer who, as the trailer makes clear, is successful in spite of the fact that she is a black female. She’s an uptight workaholic in need of a landscaper. Enter Mr. White … I mean, Mr. Right. He’s a lovable, scruffy guy who drives a rusty chevy and has a dog. Originally, she thinks he’s a product of inbreeding, but then the magic happens.

Caught in the rain one day, the two find passion under the branches of a welcoming ash tree. Despite disapproval from kin and country, the pair fall madly in bed … I mean, love, and end up happily ever after.

Yep, the innovation is out-of-control.

As far as I can tell, the only thing new about this flick is that it’s the first film in 2006 that I could preemptively hate just by reading the title.

-by Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu