The Preemptive Critics
“Open Season”
When I heard that Martin Lawrence and Ashton Kutcher were making a computer animated film, the preemptive critic in me thought “Alright, it’s open season!”
Then I found out that was name of the movie, and it kinda made things too easy.
At first I thought this was just another “Madagascar” wannabe (which itself was a “Finding Nemo” wannabe) with an anti-hunting twinge trying to cash in on the fact that kids are in school now and desperately want to distract themselves from fractions.
But then I read the plot.
Apparently, it’s a dire warning about that dreaded day we all know is coming when the animals rise up and start throwing acorns at us.
Remember hunters, it’s dangerous out there. When it comes to squirrels, shoot first, ask questions later.
Does a bear poop in the woods? Yep and out came “Open Season.”
I preemptively hate this movie.
By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
“School for Scoundrels”
A raucous, unoriginal coming-of-age comedy NOT produced by the masters of the lower-than-low-brow: Happy Madison productions?
Color me surprised.
And disenfranchised by “Napoleon Dynamite” star (is that an oxy-moron?), Jon Heder’s oblivious loser typecast, that is.
No offense, Heder, your turn as that awkward tater-tot-loving dance machine was funny. The first time. Then came “Just Like Heaven” and that laugh-repelling catastrophe “Benchwarmers.”
Now Heder will be playing a meter maid plagued by low self-esteem and anxiety attacks who stumbles upon a secret confidence-building school for those without a spine.
Let’s face it, the film could simply convey the static image of a broken record for two hours and it would’ve gotten the same point across.
Matters are only made worse by the inclusion of Billy Bob “yes I have all my teeth” Thorton as the school’s sarcastic taskmaster.
It looks like not even an appearance from Ben Stiller can save this sorry flick from a future in the $1 bin of forgotten romps.
Right next to all of those Happy Madison movies.
I preemptively hate this movie.
By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu
“The Guardian”
“The Guardian” pairs Ashton Kutcher with Kevin Costner in a gripping, feel-good drama about the Coast Guard. The whole premise sounds alright to me, but I think it’s going to make a better blooper reel than movie.
But until its DVD release, this movie has me a little worried.
The last movie Kevin Costner played something other than an aging baseball player in was “Waterworld,” and that doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence. “The Guardian” has water in it too. Strike one.
And while Ashton Kutcher’s taking a dramatic role seems a little out of the realm of possibility, it has happened before.
Do you remember 2004’s “Butterfly Effect”? I don’t, and I don’t think Kutcher can remember it either. Strike two.
Here I should give this movie three strikes. And, while I’m sure this movie is going to be a typical action-drama about two guys growing a relationship in the face of danger, I can’t help but hear a voice in my head screaming taglines like, “Ashton Kutcher, playing a young, rebellious coast guard, thinks he has it all under control. But can he punk Mother Nature herself?”
That would make for a sweet movie, and on that premise alone I preemptively love this movie.
By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu