OUR VIEW: So long seniors, send us a check in the mail

Graduates of the class of 2007 … good riddance.

Bon voyage.

You see, that was a joke, and you’re always supposed to start with a joke, that’s what they say.

A USU graduate walked into a bar … wait, no they didn’t. Another joke.

For real now, December graduates are among the most intelligent creatures. You’re all getting out at the perfect time. The rest of us schmucks are stuck to brave another frozen, Logan winter, wade through the snow and do intricate ice dances with our cars during the next six months.

There is no doubt in our minds you will all be whisking yourselves away to warmer climates, flying south like a flock of well-educated birds with the whole world ahead of them, beating their wings incessantly to keep the massive piles of student loan debt afloat.

Some would call you cut-and-runners. We would agree, but there’s no shame in it. It’s like declining an invite to cage fight an 18-foot-tall abominable snowman – no one is really going to blame you. Unless you had the means to acquire a blowtorch, and then you would be cowardly and yellow.

We all lament the loss of bodies at basketball games. Those people who cheer mindlessly, no matter how poorly the game is going. Those people who get dressed up like the game is some sort of church meet-and-greet. Those people who text message throughout the game and have to ask which team won.

We lament the loss of hearts and soul that are devoted to causes. When you are old, which you all will be in about a week, there is no room to have a cause. Your cause is to stay fed. Your cause is to keep the lights on. Your cause is to work your way up to middle management and have a midlife crisis.

Then and only then, deep in the throes of that midlife crisis, can you revert back to your college days and wear your “Don’t Taze me, bro” shirts raging against police brutality, or your “Students Helping Indonesian Tea Sellers” shirts that caused a rise with their poorly thought out acronym.

Most of all, we want you to go out and make some money. Then gift that money back to Utah State.

Students of the future will be in need of lots of things: A large campus hot tub in the middle of the Quad with all of someone’s names on it. Hover buses. An army of cyborg athletes. A vending machine where drinks aren’t $4.

We will be needy, and since this university has educated you, the least you could do is hook it up with a sweet climate-control bubble that will keep campus a perfect 72 degrees and sunny, even in the middle of the most frozen, awful inversions.

So, for the good of USU, we wish you good luck.