COLUMN: Could the country functino under either candidate?
Elections have probably never been a subtle process, but it seems like this year everyone is using a hammer when a tap on the shoulder might have been sufficient. I know that most people don’t want to discuss the subtle statistical flaws in Keynesian economic theory and Euclidean geometry, but we have handed over politics to the comedians and ghostwriters.
I’ve watched Fahrenheit 9/11 a couple times and after careful analysis, I’m pretty sure that Michael Moore thinks George Bush is a dope. Actually, I was pretty sure after about the first five minutes, but when you pay $8 to see a movie you feel obligated to stay till the end or at least till your $10 bucket of popcorn is gone.
OK, that was a complete lie used to advance the narrative of this column. I stayed home and I rented it for $3.50 and drank cheap merlot. Plus, I got $1 back for returning the movie early. Sometimes, like Michael Moore and the rest of the political pundits, you need to add a little something to fill out your story.
We know that Anne Coulter hates liberals but we don’t really know what a liberal is but somehow it has become a bad thing since Bush is calling Kerry “most liberal in the Senate.” We know where the religious right stands but nobody has been able to rally a convincing religious left. Maybe there is a religious left but they just can’t raise the money to put on their own TV show.
Al Franken and John Stewart are funny but they are also the political left equivalent of Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh. If you try to pin any of them down about accuracy they say “but we’re in entertainment.” Walter Cronkite would be spinning in his grave if he were dead.
Speaking of entertainment, how about those debates? Each side is telling the other side that they are completely wrong about the numbers as if a $50 billion discrepancy was just random change lost in the sofa cushions. You could check the facts by going to www.factcheck.com, except that the fact of the matter is that the site is in fact www.factcheck.org. What’s a few letters among friends? Well, “fired” and “hired” only have one letter not in common, but it is pretty important letter.
I’m glad the debates started to show real differences between the candidates, but now the differences are starting to get so wide you have to wonder if the country could actually function under either candidate. I keep hearing that Kerry “has a plan” but how many plans have you seen fizzle into filibusters once they reach the Washington, DC? Bush has a conviction, but so did the builders of the Titanic. Neither of them really seems to be able to simply say “I might have to analyze thing and adjust my strategy later ( i.e. flip flop) “
That’s why we need to get more mathematicians to run for office. Not only is math the international language, it is nonpartisan. I’m all for peace, love and Gandhi tactics but if you really want to stop wars just institute the draft and raise taxes during every war. A mathematician would tell you that $100 billion is roughly $350 for every living person (R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield and Christopher Reeve) person in the United States. So, count up the folks in your household and send in a check. And if you have kids between the ages of 18-30, send them in too.
I stand by my usual assessment of elections: “If you are absolutely positive, you probably haven’t thought about it enough.”
Dennis Hinkamp is a columnist for the Utah Statesman. Comments can be sent to dennish@ext.usu.edu.