Column: Double Vision; Eerily accurate horoscopes, just in time for Valentine’s
Over the last semester, we’ve introduced you to the dreamy life of identical twins – full of stupid questions (“If I hit her, do you feel it?”) and a look at our quest to mess with genetics by tricking other twins into marrying us. We’ve even shared a few of our most prized talents.
Our ability to induce instant awkwardness on anyone who doesn’t know there are two of us and unknowingly wearing the same outfit better than any two people who planned it
are two of our best talents. We use the term “talents” loosely. But we’ve got one more twin
superpower that has yet to be
unleashed … until now. You’re about to be taken to a dream world of magic.
No, this is not Narnia. Welcome to your own eerily accurate horoscope your fortune cookie minus the cookie part. Bi-weekly, by twins: Double the vision equals double the accuracy.
And though the nearing holiday is in close competition with Flag Day and Take Your Daughter to Work Day for our all-time favorite, we have chosen Valentine’s Day as the perfect occasion to present our uncanny ability.
Note for readers: Adding the common phrase “in bed” to the end of your horoscope will only add to the eerie accuracy.
Capricorn:
Upon receiving any gifts from a “secret admirer” on Tuesday, stay calm and remember to thank your parents and roommates.
Aquarius:
In your first class on V Day, count two rows ahead and three seats to the right. Take a good look: that person is your Valentine’s soul mate.
Pisces:
When Venus, the love-bearing planet, enters your sign at approximately 7 p.m. Monday, be aware that absolutely nothing will result from it.
Aries:
If you have a significant other in your life, consider making or buying something thoughtful to present as a gift on the 14th. But don’t act on those thoughts. Remember, it is only the thought that counts.
Taurus:
Yelling “Hey buster, I’m not that kind of girl [or boy]!” at all applicable times is a great way to inform the public and potential valentines of your high moral standards.
Gemini:
In the spirit of the holiday, refer to everyone you come in contact with as “lova.” Ex: “Is anyone sitting in this seat, lova?”
Cancer:
If, tomorrow, you do the exact same thing you do every Tuesday night, just give it the title “girls’ or boys’ night out.” Yeah, that definitely sounds better.
Leo:
Communicating with others by strictly using words found on candy conversation hearts could be beneficial for you. U R cool. Fax me, cutie pie.
Virgo:
If making festive sugar cookies this week, be especially careful to use baking powder, not Comet. Though similar in appearance, the latter could cause digestive complications resulting in death.
Libra:
Regardless of gender or responsibilities on V Day, wearing only red and pink from head to toe is acceptable and welcomed on Tuesday.
Scorpio:
To ensure the best possibility for a Valentine’s love connection, refrain from wearing any shades of blue, red, green or stripes on Tuesday. Avoid denim all week.
Sagittarius:
To avoid humiliation, whenever anyone asks what you are doing for Valentine’s Day, reply with “What am I NOT doing for Valentine’s Day? Hahaha, if you know what I mean ..”
Special note to Sagittariuses: Think twice before using this tactic with parents. Ex: When Mom says, “What are you going to give Jason for Valentine’s Day?” You don’t say, “What am I NOT going to give Jason for Valentine’s Day? Hahaha, if you know what I mean …” Seriously Sagittarius, we are watching out for you. Be cautious, heed warnings and let the romance ensue.
Happy Valentine’s Day, lova.
Lindsay and Lexie Kite are both seniors majoring in print journalism. Send any comments or questions to lindsaykite@cc.usu.edu