COLUMN: ‘Extreme’ secrets behind the home
Last week, thousands of people came together in Cache Valley with a generous spirit of volunteerism to do something that this valley has never previously experienced – completely blocked critical access to the hospital on 400 East.
Coincidentally, I also heard that television crews from the hit ABC show, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” (EMHE), were in town last week.
Oh… NOW I get it.
Ty Pennington generously decided to build Logan a new hospital! All in one week! That sounds like quality TV!
No, seriously, television crews joined with thousands of volunteers to build the local Pauni family a brand new house last week. I say local because there are many Pauni families, with a large majority probably still living in the beautiful islands of Tonga.
However, by building a house so humongous, ABC has now enabled the non-local Paunis to flock to Logan, Utah, where they won’t be allowed to get inside the local Pauni house until after Nov. 26 at 9 p.m./8p.m. Central.
Since no one is allowed to see the inside of the house until after the two-hour episode airs on TV, I suspect there will be a lot of really cold Tongans walking the streets of Logan.
But that doesn’t surprise me, considering,
1.) Tongans are notoriously good walkers and,
2.) ABC EMHE security is way too strict.
The basic rule was that anyone without a special pass wasn’t allowed on site, unless they were a worker wearing a bright blue EMHE T-shirt.
Everyone else was considered a spectator or a nuisance – sometimes both, depending on how ridiculously close they endeavored to get to the, dare I say it, “celebrities.”
But as I mentioned earlier, the same security policy blocked off access to the hospital.
I wasn’t sick or afflicted last week, but had I been – had I been experiencing some debilitating disease that affected my ability to walk, like terminal gout, I would have been denied to shortcut through the television set.
Guard: “Hey buddy! No one is allowed in here without a pass, and your shirt is turquoise.”
Me: “It’s actually more of a sea foam, but that doesn’t matter. If I walk more than another four blocks, I will die of terminal gout. Why is hospital access blocked?”
Guard: “Terminal gout, eh? Did you just make that up so you could see Ty Pennington?” You’ll have to go around. He isn’t even here right now.”
Me: “No kidding?”
Guard: “Yeah, he doesn’t do much on the show except yell a lot, you know, like “GOOD MORNING GOUT FAMILY! GET OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN PRETEND TO START BUILDING YOU A NEW GOUT-FRIENDLY HOUSE, BUT REALLY SPEND THE WEEK IN CANCUN!”
Me: “Oh … I guess my gout can wait until Sunday.”
Luckily I wasn’t ailing last week, so I had an opportunity to get on site as a volunteer to help with building the house. And by building the house, I mean not building the house.
You see, there is a general hierarchy involved with who can do what on an EMHE build site. Just like illegal immigrants obviously aren’t able to get the best jobs in the U.S., general volunteers don’t get to actually build an EMHE house. They get to carry out the garbage.
In order for folks in charge to keep track, all general volunteers have to wear a blue hard hat. The kind that stand out in a sea of white helmets and say, “I cannot build a house; show me to your garbage!”
Construction workers and contractors who actually build the house all wear white hard hats. Special tradesmen and people in charge get other colors.
I was a general volunteer last week. They gave me a white hard hat.
Bwoo hoo hah ha ha ha!
I never told anyone.
Although I carried out my fair share of garbage, with a white hard hat, the apparent leap in the construction site hierarchy allowed me to see inside the local Pauni’s new home.
And since I’m bound until Nov. 26 by secret oaths and handshakes rigidly instituted by ABC, I’ve decided not to tell you about it – except that it’s big, really big, but not big enough for all the non-local Paunis.
They’ll have to walk back to Tonga.
Gout or no gout.
Garrett Wheeler is a columnist for The Utah Statesman. Comments can be sent to wheel@cc.usu.edu.