COLUMN: Here are some other possible candidates for USU president
Editors Note: This column was written before the Board of Regents named Stan Albrecht president of USU on Tuesday.
Now that Kermit Hall, the president of our beloved institution has gone to greener pastures, we have a gaping vacancy at highest position in the university. Even as you read this column, the Board of Regents is using every resource available to find an appropriate replacement.
What is the Board of Regents, you ask? Well, to be honest, no one is exactly sure what the Board of Regents really is. I first assumed that it was a fancy length of 2-by-4-inch planking. Then I thought it might be something like the bad guy on “Inspector Gadget” (Dr. Claw, I believe he’s named), who always watches “Inspector Gadget” from afar while petting his cat and laughing evilly. I’ve since been told that it is really a group of extremely important public people – and that they watch USU from afar, pet multiple cats, and still laugh evilly.
While there has already been quite a few people who have suggested that our provost, Stan Albrecht, succeed Hall (in fact, the Statesman endorsed him in last week’s paper), I think that we shouldn’t be so quick to jump to the next guy in line without looking at some other options first. Since there is no time to spare, I am more than willing to throw out my own, carefully researched options for who I think would make the perfect president for Utah State University along with the reasoning behind my choices.
* Mick Dennehy. He obviously knows his way around USU. He has leaderships experience. And he’s is certainly available.
* Bill Gates. It’s no secret that the university is having financial difficulties right now. If we brought in Bill, those problems would be effectively taken care of.
* Kermit Hall. Yes, I know he’s decided to move on, but I think we could convince him to come back. All we would need to do is promise him that he can raise tuition another forty percent or so and that we’ll name an Aggie Ice Cream flavor after him.
* Marty Reeder. You may think that naming myself for the next university president is a little self-indulgent, but if I was considered for the next USU president, I would promise to turn the ‘A’ blue on each and every student’s birthday. I cannot promise, however, that I won’t abuse my power for changing some of my grades.
* Jean-Claude Van Damme. I figure that if California can get Arnold Schwarzenegger as a governor, there’s no reason we couldn’t get a B movie action star to be our university president.
* Spencer Nelson. Dedicated student. Exceptional athlete. A good loophole for keeping him on the team next year.
* George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton. This unlikely duo recently joined forces to raise funds for tsunami victims. Besides the potential of having them raise funds for the university, their conflicting personalities would make for constant entertainment on campus (the State of the University address, for example, could be set up in a debate setting).
* Fidel Castro. Sure, he’s a little old, and, well, Communist, but you can’t deny that he’s a big name and would bring some order to the university with the aid of his own personal army.
This is, of course, only a short list of possible candidates. For a more comprehensive layout of options, you can either contact me or search in the Yahoo personals for all those seeking university president positions. Maybe we can’t choose the next university president on our own, but we can do our part by letting the Board of Regents know about the options that we have out there. Get ahold of them today … wherever or whatever they are.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring history education. Any comments or
neglected candidates can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu