COLUMN: Instructions for Valentine’s Day losers
Valentine’s Day looms. If you look forward to it, then you are not a Valentine’s Day loser. If you have someone with whom to celebrate it, then you are not a Valentine’s Day loser. If, until this moment, you thought February only consisted of Groundhog’s Day and Leap Year, you are most definitely a Valentine’s Day loser. This article is written for you.
In other words, if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife then you can stop reading right now. Maybe you could go get some flowers or chocolates or something like that, but right now is the time for the Valentine’s Day loser.
Well, now that it’s just us losers, you may be wondering what we’re going to talk about. Believe me, we are not going to sit here and wallow in self-pity.
The only reason I used the word “loser” was to get rid of all the readers who are our Valentine’s Day fanatics out there. By the way, if you are one of those and you’re still reading, then you now have permission to continue since you obviously care more about reading this article than you care about your significant other.
Now that I have you all at my beck and call, I’m sure many of you are thinking “mob” or “rioting” as a fun activity for Valentine’s Day. Though that is, I must admit, somewhat tempting, please remember that it is exactly what the VD fans want. Some type of local catastrophe will give them the perfect excuse to lock themselves up and spend some alone time together. No, Valentine’s Day for us will consist of several activities, all of them anti-mushy-love related. If you are hoping that I have prepared a list of these activities, then you know me well. If you are hoping that I was going to end this article soon, then you must be a VD fan and therefore an enemy … friendly word of advice: Watch your back. For the rest of you, here is a list of appropriate Valentine’s Day activities for us “losers:”
* Go to a monster truck rally. Nothing obscures feelings of love like a crowd in a greasy environment, mud flying everywhere, loud noises, cars crashing and racing. A second option here is to create your own monster truck rally. A bit trickier in some ways, but with the potential of being much more exciting (especially if some of the other people don’t know they are a part of your monster truck rally).
* Sit around a campfire roasting marshmallows. You may think this is something romantic at first, but the key thing to remember here is to have the fire stoked by video tapes and DVD’s of romantic comedies.
* Though I would personally never get this desperate, there is always the option of doing homework. Studying has the ability to quash not just feelings of love, but pretty much any type of feelings what-so-ever.
* Run around campus performing ninja jobs. Ninja jobs could extend from jumping off of large buildings without injuring yourself, doing several consecutive back handsprings while in a ninja costume, to simply posing in an intimidating stance next to the entrance of a building. The reason this would be a good activity is because I’ve never known a ninja to fall in love before.
It’s hard to fall in love with someone who can knock you out with a roundhouse on any given second.
* Sit around and read The Statesman opinion page with a special emphasis on Letters to the Editor. If there was ever an antithesis to love, it would be that page.
* Run around campus performing pirate jobs. (See ninja option above and replace the word “roundhouse” with “cutlass.”)
Those are obviously just a choice few activities that could be done on Valentine’s Day. Each one could be adjusted according to personal needs (if you don’t have a ninja or pirate in you, there is always the gladiator or Texas ranger approach).
I must warn you, however. If you feel that you are somehow being bit by the Valentine’s Day bug, you must save yourself now before the poison reaches the heart. A good Clint Eastwood movie should do the trick.
Now many out there may think that this whole article is just harbored by feelings of bitterness. If you think that, you are a VD fan and an enemy. Again, watch your back. Now, I’ve come down pretty hard on Valentine’s Day today. Am I declaring all-out war on cupid? Not necessarily, we’ll call it guerilla warfare, fellow ninja.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Comments and guerilla stratagems can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.