COLUMN: The Army – A civilian report
“I don’t know what I’ve been told (I don’t know what I’ve been told). This civilian life is getting old (this civilian life is getting old). So, to help me get a different view (so, to help me get a different view) I enlisted for a day or two (I enlisted for a day or two). Sound off one two, sound off three four Break it on down, one two, three four.”
I am a civilian – plain and simple.
The closest I’ve ever been to the military was watching “Gettysburg” back in my eighth grade history class (and I slept through most of that). So when the opportunity came for me to join USU’s Army ROTC team and report on their performance at the annual Ranger Challenge – I jumped at the chance.
Actually, “jump” is a strong word. “Bound, gagged and forced by bayonet” might be more accurate.
But however it happened, come 1630 Wednesday night, I found myself on a 45-foot tour bus making tracks toward sunny California.
The colonel started out our trip with an inspiring speech about keeping the “latrine” (Greek word meaning literally, “the place of crap”) unclogged for our journey and making sure not to show any movies that might make his daughter blush.
Sometime between 0100 and 0600 hours (it was really dark and I didn’t have a watch) we stopped to pick up our ex-navy, aspiring cartoonist, “Le Bus” (French word meaning literally, “the bus”) driver, Al Valdez. Al was an inspiring man, to say the least. It’s not every day you meet someone who can drive a bus and entertain passengers with both stories from Vietnam and comic strips of his many exploits as a radio operator.
Nevada was a blur (except, of course, for the $4.95 steak and eggs), and Thursday from 1100 to 2230 was full of R & R (in our case, “rest and regurgitation” – the latter due to the $4.95 steak and eggs combo. Honestly, at that price, what else would you expect?) The “rest” consisted of watching movies (all of which, from Major Payne to The Sandlot, had some sort of military reference) and playing scum.
While the lodgings at Fort Hunder-Liggett weren’t exactly Buckingham Palace (resembling, quite realistically, a Bosnian refugee camp) my first introduction to military housing was less than inspiring:
“Don’t drink the water,” they said.
“Why not?” I queried.
“Last year, most of the teams that did got dysentery,” they replied.
“Oh,” I retorted.
At least “they” let me shower in the water, which only had a 35 percent chance of developing cancer.
At 0459 Friday morning, I was asleep.
At 0500 I was still asleep, but somehow, I was also getting dressed and showering at the same time. (The Army is all about multi-tasking.) The rest of Friday, from 0600 to 2200 and most of the day Saturday, our team competed in the competition and did an excellent job – while I sat counting my lucky stars that I was a civilian.
Now as I sit here, traveling to some tourist trap along the coast, I can’t help but think about all the wonderful things that I’ve learned over the past couple of days.
First, I’ve learned just how important acronyms are to the Army. Take this example of an actual recreation of conversation between two cadets with translation of their acronyms:
“So after we WTHU [Wake The Hell Up], let’s watch the APFT [Army Physical Fitness Test] and stop by the PX [Post Exchange] before we head to the BRM [Basic Rifle Marksmanship] course.”
“OK, but let’s stop by the DOIM [Directorate of Information Management] and get some FYI [For Your Information]. You know, I hope when I go active, I’ll be able to get some BAH [Basic Allowance for Housing] and BAS [Basic Allowance for Something else], then I won’t have to eat this MRE [Mostly Real and Edible] food.”
Wow, by using acronyms, they shaved a full 22 seconds of their conversation time! Just think how much time we could save if we followed their example:
“Hey Bob.”
“Yes, dear.”
“If you WMEBYGG [Wake Me Up Before You Go Go], and MSSE [Make Some Scrambled Eggs], then I will be sure to JIYH [Jitterbug Into Your Heart] and LYFA [Love You For Always].”
“Dear, you need to stop listening to bands from the ’80s and watching the military channel.”
Second, I’ve also learned how important it is for Army personnel to follow orders, no matter how ludicrous they may seem:
“Now men, I know this may sound strange, but I’ve received orders from the top to neutralize Utah’s penguin threat by killing every penguin within state boundaries.”
“But Sarge, we’re in Utah, they’re aren’t any penguins.”
“No penguins, eh, Jones? Well, boys, let’s take a little trip to Hogle Zoo and see if Jones can find himself some penguins.”
Third, I’ve learned that even with Army fringe benefits, like the ability to pass the buck and pull rank at the same time (there’s that multi-tasking thing again), I’m “euphorically glad” (Latin word meaning “giddy as a fat schoolboy in a Swedish Chocolate factory”) I’m not in the Army.
In all seriousness, though, I’ve really learned just how amazing our military forces can be. The men who make up our lines of defense, deserve every ounce of support we can give them. In their “Army of One,” these “best of the best” really are trying to “be all they can be.” And they deserve our respect and support.
Well, there it is – my civilian report. I’ll be returning home soon, a little wiser for the wear, and hopefully (thanks to military training) a little more prepared to neutralize our penguin threat ASAP (As Soon As Plausible).
Matt Wright is a junior majoring in English. Comments can be sent to mattgo@cc.usu.edu.