COLUMN: The mystery and intrigue of the women’s bathrooms
I really wanted to write about worms in this column. I saw so many crawling all over the sidewalk after the rain Wednesday night. Something else, however, is drastically more important to examine.
Today’s topic involves the mystery and intrigue of the women’s bathroom. Yes, questions have arisen over the centuries by males who are incredibly confused by what really goes on in there. Fellas, at long last the answers are here – or at least what I’ve decided to call the answers.
Apparently going to the bathroom for women is not a mundane task performed several times a day, it is a lifestyle. For men, in a public setting, relieving themselves is just a job that needs to get done so they can get back to much more important things, like watching TV or picking their nose. Sure you get the adventurous male every so often who is thoughtful enough to take time and write “cute” statements in the stall (my favorites are the limericks), but generally it’s all business and definitely no chit-chat.
Women on the other hand flock to the bathroom in small groups, and occasionally large herds as seen at sporting events and theatrical productions. Some unspeakable desire drives them to get out of their lives and get into the restroom. And I’m pretty sure it’s not just to “go.”
To understand my hypothesis, it’s time to go inside the world of the women’s bathroom. No, this doesn’t mean I give permission for guys like Blaine and John to venture into opposite-gender restrooms all of a sudden. It means that by the power of descriptive writing, I will take your minds away to the amazing world of … ah who cares, just go in them and see for yourselves.
This case study will involve a comparison of the restrooms on the third floor of the Taggart Student Center to enforce my point. Because it’s much easier to describe, let’s first discuss the men’s bathroom. This restroom was designed using a law of fours. There are four stalls, four urinals, four sinks and four soap dispensers. There are, however, only two paper towel rolls and one mirror. Yup,
simplicity.
The only anomaly has to be the strange occurrence of four completely differently looking sinks. It’s as if the original builders decided that most men don’t bother washing up anyway and left the area free of extraneous debris – until their wives found out.
The women’s restroom also operates on a law of fours, but not in the same way. To arrive at a porcelain throne, you have to actually walk through four doors! Who knew the chambers of secrets that the women have?
The first door is the bathroom door that leads any visitor into a bland, yet eerie corridor. The door at the far end opens into a room containing several interesting items. The giant mirror adorning one wall is so huge that even King Kong could check himself out. I also saw a table with a fern on it to help decorate the room, right next to the sofa.
I’m not making up the sofa. It’s there. For what purpose is it there is part of the mystery. My best guess is that old ladies who oddly have to hike way too far to get to the toilets need to stop halfway for a short rest, a little breather before continuing the trek.
Although my visit was brief, I wouldn’t be surprised if I missed seeing a Picasso or two on the walls and a surround sound radio system playing fun stuff like “Respect” and the “Shoop Shoop Song” all day.
Upon opening door No. 3, the actual bathroom is revealed. Because the lounge and useless hallway have already taken up so much space, there remains enough room for only three stalls, the doors of which are the last to negotiate before sitting down.
The conclusion appears simple. Women just like to hang out in the bathroom because it’s nice. I mean, they actually have a couch! Put a couch in a men’s bathroom and you’ll never see them again. Guys would, of course, also bring in a TV and mini fridge to augment their sitting experience.
If this were the case, men, like their female friends so commonly do, would grab their buddies and while giggling, hastily run to the bathroom. No women would dare follow, because of that nasty bathroom odor.
The question still remains why women have such luxury when men are stuck with four different sinks? I would think a lot of running, shouting, pushing and hair-pulling would be prevented during half-times if women’s restrooms were devoid of the extra fluff, and more space was used for the real intent of a bathroom, talking about the cute quarterback’s butt. Or in a revolutionary new idea, actually going to the bathroom.
But I can’t just sit here waiting for the impossible; I have another quippy limerick to go write down.
Garrett Wheeler is a graduate engineering student and hopes to develop the greatest men’s public restroom ever. Any design ideas or discount sofa prices can be sent to wheel@cc.usu.edu.