It’s time for ‘This Old Dorm,’ with special guest host MacGyver

This life is full of wonder. As in, “I wonder who would win in a fight, Spiderman or Wolverine?” or “I wonder if I

would be willing to commit murder for a Klondike bar?”

I’m sure all of you out there are just like me and spend many hours lying awake at night thinking about what makes us different from animals. If you haven’t, you should really stop by any college apartment filled with single guys ages 19-24. It won’t take long for the wonder to set in.

So far, I’ve noticed three major visible differences between humans and other creatures. Personally, I believe there is at least one other, but I need to do more experiments on my neighbors to know for sure. It involves an inborn fear of vacuums.

First: Animals are innocent of the many of the evils we’ve unleashed on world but must suffer from them. No animal has ever waged war on another, polluted the world around it or produced another reality TV series. They also don’t turn without signaling.

Second: In our defense, animals don’t use toilet paper and that’s pretty gross if you think about it.

Third: We, as human beings, seem to feel this compulsion to improve our dwellings. I’ve had pets my entire life and I’ve never seen one straighten a picture or help hang some new drywall.

People, on the other hand, can’t seem to stop home improving. We’re constantly adding, planting, placing, hanging and building all kinds of things to make our homes more beautiful, valuable and dangerous to bring a 2-year-old child into.

Even people like me are unable to avoid the siren’s call of home improvement. I’m actually not that bad at it. I’d be pretty good if not for two major problems:

One: My geek pride won’t let me admit when I don’t know how to do something. I’ve convinced myself that I’ve watched enough “Star Trek” that I could fix anything if I only had the right tools.

Two: I don’t have any tools.

I’ve managed to overcome this second obstacle by using anything and everything as a tool. Referring back to one of my few childhood heroes who wasn’t drawn in Japan, MacGyver, I learned to use what I have on hand to either fix any problem or blow it up.

I’ve used wire clothes hangers for pretty much anything you can imagine. From declogging drains to ensuring proper TV reception for critical heavyweight wrestling matches, these little babies are way too useful to waste on clothes that can just as easily be piled on the floor.

Butter knives are another crucial tool for any makeshift handyman. I’ve never seen the need to own a screwdriver when one of these guys can handle any situation, be it Phillips or flathead, crunchy or creamy.

You have to be careful with butter knives though. I once used one as a chisel and got it stuck in the wall I was trying to bore through and no amount of pulling would get it out. Ironically enough, I was able to lubricated the stuck end with butter and eventually get it out.

I’ve always said WD-40 is for wimps.

Cinderblocks are incredibly handy. Students have been using them for years to stick under their beds in order to increase storage space. If you have enough, they can be used to build entire bookshelves, entertainment centers or sofas. I’ve even used them in a pinch as plates when I didn’t want to wash dishes.

No discussion of jury-rigging would be complete without mentioning duct tape. Volumes have been written about this little gift. Everyone knows it can be used for just about everything – fixing leaky pipes to putting tables back together. I mostly use it to cover holes in potentially embarrassing parts of my pants.

I’d like to see some dumb animal do that.

Geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently trying to fix his water heater using a rock, binder twine and four M&M’s. Comments can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu