Column: Chew On This; The time has come for a big move to a New Logan
Lately, my idea of a personal hell involves getting out of bed half asleep, and then enduring a barbaric amount of cardiovascular exercise until my face freezes off.
Unfortunately for me, this happens almost every day up the hill on my way to class in the morning. So if I’m a little testy during my 8:30 class, give me a break.
Those are the mornings that a cup of hot chocolate definitely hits the spot. But just holding the mug feels so good in my hands that I wish I could shrink to the size of a gerbil, crawl in the mug and take a nap.
But no, as the beastly alarm clocks sounds in the morning, it signifies that the daily battle with the cold Logan winter is about to resume.
Then 10 seconds into an icy commute up Old Main hill, I realize that it’s so cold that my boogers have frostbite.
Later in the day while listening to the radio, my worst fears are confirmed. It’s so cold that the IOC has canceled the Logan 2018 Winter Olympics, citing that “This is not winter, this is obscene!”
I mean it’s so cold this time of year that even the Logan Canyon polar bears are hunting minks.
Frankly, I’m just sick of it. Those poor minks were minding their own business.
I’m also sick of the cold.
I propose we follow the example of our friendly elderly summer neighbors and build winter homes in a balmy southern Utah location.
In fact, we should just copy the entire town and paste it somewhere in Washington County. Preferably near La Verkin. I’ve never been there, but I like the way the name just rolls off the tongue. La Verkin. Oh yeah.
Every residence, business, structure and dog poop pile would have a duplicate southern location. Then when the frore of Cache valley starts to bite, we’d all commute to the bold new Logan of the south, or simply, New Logan.
Like New York and other locations prefaced by the word “new,” New Logan will be patterned after the old Logan where we used to spend our winters.
Although, according to history (which never lies), New York was named after some guy named James. Conveniently, he was a duke of a town named York. He moved to America, sent the Dutch packing, and claimed a chunk of land. He wanted to call it Bitemeville, but his wife said no.
Some of the Dutch made it as far as central Pennsylvania where they firmly decided to neglect electricity.
Most stayed, however, due to too many wooden shoe-inflicted blisters. Disgruntled, they developed a forceful community caucus which is what we now know as the Italian mafia.
New Logan will outwardly look just like regular Logan, but it will be much better.
There will be no inversion. There will be no second Wal-Mart. There will be no weird smells wafting over from Wellsville.
There will be a subway. There will be complimentary Segway scooters. There will be fun things for college students to do on weekends. And dagnabit, the Municipool will be open!
New Logan, as the envy of the western United States, will, like New York, inevitably become a travel hotspot for international tourists. And muggers.
So all of you really cold people out there, wake up! Stop paying big bucks to heat your homes in this obscene climate. It’s time to go on strike.
“Hey ho, it won’t snow!”
If you’re still on the fence, just ask yourself these questions:
Wouldn’t you rather enjoy a balmy southern Utah experience? Wouldn’t you like a complimentary Segway?
Most importantly, wouldn’t you prefer to have the Municipool open?
I know I would.
Plus I want to live next to La Verkin. Oh yeah.
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theatre design. Send any comments or column ideas to wheel@cc.usu.edu.